New Flames

For some seniors, falling in love again also means fanning a few fires

By Renee Sklarew / Photography by Jonathan Timmes

It was New Year’s Eve 2007, and George Moore was celebrating his birthday at the stroke of midnight. He always enjoyed having a birthday on New Year’s Day. It fit his personality: life of the party, the entertainer. This night was different though; he didn’t know many people, so he sat in the back of the room and planned to leave if he became bored.

That was the moment he spied Millie Yatron. They started talking and when the clock struck 12, he kissed her. “That was the beginning,” she says. They have been dating ever since. When asked why Millie let a stranger kiss her, she says, “It was his birthday, it was New Year’s Eve. I didn’t have a choice.”

Millie, 79, and George, 85, are residents at the Heatherwood Retirement Community in Burke. They are both widowed from long-term marriages. George was married 60 years, and Millie for 54 years. Both have grown children and grandchildren. Neither was yearning to have a relationship, but together they enthusiastically discuss politics, news, books and family. “We talk with each other about things we would never tell anyone else,” George says.

George’s sons are supportive of his new love. Regardless, he says it’s his decision to live the life he chooses, and no one else’s business. Millie is more timid about announcing the relationship to her family. Her daughter, Theana Kasten, a professor at George Mason University, has welcomed George into the family and includes him in travel plans and holidays. But Millie hasn’t mentioned her new relationship to her son yet, and isn’t sure she can. “I’m afraid my son has a difficult time accepting things,” she explains.

The couple faces other challenges, too. George is still active, swimming and lifting weights a few times each week. He walks regularly and watches his weight closely. He believes that once you stop being active, “you can’t get your engine going.” Millie, on the other hand, says she doesn’t eat well and doesn’t exercise.

George and Millie also endure the challenge of being a subject of gossip in their small community. “We’re not doing anything we’re ashamed of, so who cares?” George says.

Millie was a high-school English teacher, and her husband was a member of Congress. Both Millie and George had travelled extensively with their spouses. The couple hasn’t gone on any cruises together, something they both liked to do when they were married. That would require Millie to tell her son about George, and she doesn’t plan to do that anytime soon. They do go out to dinner frequently. Despite their challenges, both wish to continue their relationship, and say it’s very satisfying having a companion.

Love is the Word
Ardo Meyer was a dashing bachelor when he moved next door to Willa Mae. She worked at the CIA, was married and had two children. Willa Mae and her husband befriended Ardo, a geophysicist with the Air Force. Kids in their neighborhood, including Willa Mae’s children, would hang on Ardo’s words, a world traveler who spent years assigned to research studies at the North Pole and Antarctica. While Ardo was stationed in Europe, Willa Mae and her husband divorced. When he returned to the States, Ardo contacted Willa Mae and asked her out. Eventually, she agreed to marry again.

Willa Mae, 88, was born and raised in Arlington. Her children were supportive of their mother’s decision to marry Ardo, who is nine years younger. On their wedding day in 1960, Ardo became a husband, a father and a grandfather. Willa Mae says, “My ex-husband was unhappy at first, but my children stood up for us at the wedding.” Her daughter and son were in their 20s, and her daughter had a toddler. Forty-eight years later, Ardo considers them his children. The couple share great pride in their grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. Willa Mae has photos of them on her bag that is attached to her walker.

Ardo, 79, remains active and retains his sharp mind and abundant energy. He conducts a monthly program called “Ardo Speaks,” which entertains residents of Heatherwood Retirement Community with slide shows of his travels and stories of his childhood on a Nebraska farm. He serves as the president of the Resident Council and keeps healthy by walking, shopping and helping Willa Mae to get around. He also works as a volunteer and mentor at Kings Park Elementary School. “I tell them about my life when I was their age, attending class in a one-room schoolhouse. I was the only one in my whole class. It blows their mind!” Ardo laughs. He sits in the rocking chair in the classroom and has them read to him. “It’s the most rewarding and satisfying thing I do.”

Willa Mae is passionate about her crafts, and the couple has turned one of their bedrooms into her activities room. She is an expert at cross-stitching and has created versions of the Washington monuments in her handiwork displayed throughout their apartment. Their activities have kept this couple mentally healthy and feeling invigorated, even if they struggle from some physical limitations.

They are also devoted to one another. “Every anniversary I send her four dozen roses, for each of the decades we spent together,” Ardo pronounces.

Willa Mae’s advice to other couples seeking happiness in their aging years is to “simply love and show understanding.” Ardo agrees but adds, “Be optimistic, and keep looking forward to the future.”

Concessions and Collaborations
Joyce Bader had been in an unhappy marriage and was focused on creating a thriving consulting practice. She started chairing a volunteer committee for United Way. At the time, she was not seeking a relationship, but she recognized something special in Tom Endres, a fellow volunteer. The two became acquainted working side by side. Tom had married young and had two college-age sons. He and his wife had grown apart over the years, and were considering divorce. At the time, Tom was the sole breadwinner in his family, and he admired Joyce’s independence and professionalism.

“I never imagined myself as a divorced male in America. My parents weren’t always happy together, but they believed people should grin and bear it,” Tom recounts. Still, he felt he was entitled to make his own life decisions and eventually obtained a divorce.

After their divorces, Joyce, 57, asked Tom, 65, to lunch. They began dating, but Joyce was wary. She knew they had big challenges to overcome. He had grown children and was approaching the end of his child-rearing years. She desperately wanted children of her own. After four years, they got engaged. Two months later, Tom was offered a position in Washington, D.C. It was an ideal job, and he wanted to relocate. Moving was not in Joyce’s plans. “I had a successful business, many friends and was very happy. I had gotten my life nearly perfected,” Joyce says.

“The challenges were many, but I really cared about him and wanted him to have the job he wanted,” she says. “Tom also committed to having a child. We both gave and got in good ways.”

Joyce’s sister, Ellyn Bader, a couples therapist, says her family supported Joyce’s marriage to Tom and attended the wedding. Ellyn knew Joyce had been miserable in her first marriage, and she was happy for her. However, Ellyn cautioned her sister to make sure Tom really was comfortable starting another family before they took their vows.

Tom says he told his sons, “The divorce had nothing to do with them. I told them their job was to take care of themselves, and they didn’t have to take care of their mother or me. Whatever they needed, they could count on their mother or me providing.” He suggested the boys seek counseling to help them through the transition. “They were both incredibly gracious,” Joyce says. “It wasn’t easy for them, but they were not obstructive. They were becoming independent themselves at that time, too.”

Blended families have all different types of norms. In Tom and Joyce’s relationship, they learned to share their feelings openly.

Tom articulates, “The families we came from operated very differently.” Joyce continues, “In the beginning, I didn’t really get that I was a foreign agent and didn’t operate like their mother did. But I remember one of Tom’s sons told me long after we were married, ‘I was prepared for the evil stepmother, and you’ve never been that.’”

Joyce explains another challenge: having to unload two houses and one office, plus find a new home in the Metro D.C. area. “Unraveling the physical baggage is sometimes as complicated as unraveling the emotional baggage.”

The couple tried to have a child for several years, but then decided to adopt. Tom and Joyce individually sought counseling at the end of their earlier marriages. Now they believe they are more resilient and better prepared for what comes along. They say counseling after a divorce keeps a couple from repeating their former bad patterns.

“We had a high awareness of how we contributed to failure in our marriages. That allowed us to talk about what we didn’t want to do again. We are 10,000 times better at marriage this time,” Joyce explains.

Tom agrees. “You need to take care of yourself. Tell your spouse what you want.”

(December 2008)

Tags: Senior Living, seniors