By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.
Courtesy of shutterstock/Krasimira Nevenova
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream, and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?” The scorpion says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”
The frog is satisfied, and they set out. But midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp, “Why?”
Replies the scorpion, “It’s my nature … ”
There are several variations of this fable and with differing interpretations. As an allegory, the main message is to not blindly trust others and that fundamentally malicious and backbiting (pardon the pun) natures cannot change. Just as a leopard cannot change its spots, the scorpion in the fable cannot help itself from stinging the frog, even if that action leads to its own demise.
But, in my opinion, the fable goes beyond the transparent message—it invites us to think about ourselves more deeply, highlighting how we behave and the changes we might wish to make as we journey forward in life.
Interestingly, unlike the scorpion and the frog, human beings don’t need to reactively sting or blindly choose to be stung, so to speak. That’s because we have higher order intellectual resources that animals do not possess. More specifically, the frontal lobe allows humans to process incoming information in elaborate ways; it allows us to exercise good judgment and impulse control, and it affords us with socialization and problem-solving tools that far exceed those of any animal. But if we have the intellectual capacity to avoid maladaptive behaviors, why then do we some times still reactively sting or blindly choose to be stung in our endeavors and relationships?
Entering (and remaining in) a bad or harmful relationship. Acting out in various ways. Being too harsh or too permissive with our children or loved ones. Why do so many of folks behave in these sorts of problematic ways and regret what was done, but then repeat the behaviors again at a later time?
Getting in touch with your inner frog and your inner scorpion is a good place to start in answering this question. I offer the following three points as an invitation to break your old, maladaptive patterns and to make 2016 a year for meaningful change:
1. Strive to become aware of your unconscious repetitions and patterns of behavior.
The father of psychoanalysis, Dr. Sigmund Freud, coined the term “repetition compulsion” over 100 years ago. For Freud, we unconsciously and endlessly repeat certain life patterns later as adults because of events (e.g., traumas) in childhood that had significance. Later developments in the field of social psychology and cognitive behavior psychology described this sort of enduring psychological framework or phenomenon as “psychological schemas.” The idea here is that we learn and internalize what was modeled for us as children or what we experienced in our early years (the good and the bad), and we then take those scripts forward in life.
What part of the your life script do you want to rewrite this year? Do you identify, for instance, with the frog in the fable in your marriage or in your relationships with your children, boss/co-workers or friends? If so, why do you choose to be a victim? And is the frog (or you) truly the victim? Meaning that if scorpions sting, and you are spending time with a scorpion, maybe the change you are waiting on or expecting in others isn’t realistic. Maybe it is you who needs to change how you think about things and behave in relation to others.
Or maybe you identify more with the scorpion in the fable. Do you find yourself behaving in ways that is off-putting to others, and is there a pattern of that behavior in your history? While certain behaviors may have worked well for you as a child (e.g., being guarded or angry), those behaviors may not be working out so well for you in your adult relationships.
Reflecting on your worst memories as a child can be a helpful exercise in beginning to gain insight and self-awareness into residual and unwanted behavioral patterns. How do those memories inform your current thoughts, feelings and behaviors? How did those moments matter to you in the past, and what evidence is there to support that there remains a lingering problem today? Sometimes connecting the dots and working through residual problems can be done without psychotherapy, but working with an experienced psychologist is most often the best way to address longstanding emotional conflicts.
2. Strive to adopt an internal locus of control.
In 1954, research by the eminent personality psychologist Dr. Julian Rotter led to the term “locus of control” as part of his work to understand how humans self-evaluate. Dr. Rotter’s research showed that individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe that they have great control over their actions and outcomes in life, and these individuals are psychologically better adjusted. For example, if you have a strong internal locus of control and you receive a horrible year-end bonus for a legitimately poor work performance, you would be able to recognize your boss’s position and accept your responsibility in that moment. In contrast, individuals who have a strong external locus of control tend to blame or praise external factors for their realities. Thus, in the above example, an individual with a strong external locus of control would be quick to think that his boss is a jerk for giving him a bad bonus, even if it is deserved.
3. Have an action plan and practice, practice, practice.
Some research has shown that it takes about 21 days to make and/or break a habit when the behavior is practiced consistently. However, other research has shown that making lasting behavioral changes can take much longer. In order to make changes matter and last, most researchers agree that several factors need to be present. More specifically, it is important to determine an action plan with reasonable expectations. It is also important to be consistent and to practice the changes you are attempting to create for yourself over and over. It is also important to develop a support system so that you can turn to your allies when needed. Lastly, it is important to reward yourself along the way for the changes you are beginning to make and to be good to yourself for the setbacks you might experience.
Make 2016 your year. There is no need to be a scorpion or a frog anymore. Just strive to be your best self.
Michael Oberschneider is the founder and director of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services.