The Secret Life of Teens

By Rene Sklarew

The hallways of Northern Virginia middle and high schools swarm with kids rooted in the state and those who are newly arrived and multicultural. You’ll meet gamers, drama queens, jocks and delinquents from every socioeconomic level.

Diverse and hopeful are words that best describe the Northern Virginia teen.

Many teens welcomed the chance to talk about their lives—sharing stories of deep-seated pain and resolute ambition. During these interviews, half described struggling with learning disabilities. Several attributed neighborhoods and peers as the source of their problems. Some were burdened with ill or absentee parents. All were enthusiastic about connecting through technology. Although these teens face obstacles now and in the future, all conveyed a determination and resilience that inspired.

While the interviews with Northern Virginia teens are the foundation of this article, we also tapped local experts to share their professional insights into the issues at hand. The contrast of the different perspectives in comparison with those of the teens was at times perhaps the most revelatory illustration of all.

1. Mental Health
Teens have always struggled with emotions, and today’s researchers are quantifying the effects of teen angst. The 2008 Fairfax Youth Survey, administered by the Fairfax County Public School System, was conducted in Northern Virginia classrooms—home to a culturally diverse population of immigrants from many nations. (The 2008 Fairfax Youth Survey included 22,251 respondents from a sampling of sixth-, eighth-, 10th- and 12th-grade students.)

One alarming trend reported in this survey showed increasing rates of undiagnosed or untreated depression. The survey states, “Depressed teens are more likely to use drugs and alcohol, become sexually active, skip school and are less likely to seek parental support for their problems.”

» Thirty-one percent of respondents reported depressive symptoms.

» Non-white teens are more likely to report depressive symptoms—the highest rate was among Latino teens, then black, Asian and white.

» Fifteen percent of survey respondents said they “considered suicide,” while 7 percent “have attempted” it.

» Males are less likely to admit they’re depressed, but more likely to commit suicide.

» Tenth-graders have the highest levels of depressive symptoms.

So, why are rates so high in Fairfax County? “The resounding message we hear from kids is that our culture is very focused on maintaining income. Families have less time together; kids find themselves with less support and supervision,” says Kristen Brennan, program director of Fairfax Partnership for Youth, a nonprofit collaboration between government and community agencies.

The Partnership supports 4,500 at-risk children each year. “We stay directly involved with youth to get their voice on what’s important,” Brennan adds.

Teens said spending time in an empty home was a problem, so the Partnership responded with an after-school program of extracurricular activities to keep kids away from truancy, vandalism and gangs.

Interviews with local teens support Brennan’s observations. Matt, 16, of Fairfax County, is serving time in juvenile detention for using PCP and stealing cars. When asked how he started, he answered:

“I took advantage of my mom working late. Once in a while, I told my mom I was going to a party, and there would be parents there. I’d just lie. That’s one thing I’m not proud of; I’m a real good liar.”

Some teens said they work to stay positive and healthy in spite of the challenges stacked against them.

Christal, 16, from Prince William County, is an active member of ROTC and maintains a responsible, upbeat attitude, which likely contributed to her acquiring her now-permanent family.

“I’m a permanent foster kid now. With my mom, I know I’m not leaving—I’m not going anywhere. I really consider her my mom. … She wants to be involved in my life. She says she will always be there if I need her.”

2. Stress and Its Consequences
Statistics from Northern Virginia’s CrisisLink hotline show a 110-percent increase in calls from youth since 2008; a 340-percent increase since 2005.

Program manager Mary Azoy says, “Teens are emotional and impulsive; they have mood swings. To them, a devastating blow is not getting into a college they want, or their first big breakup. Kids typically can’t believe they’ll recover from these things.”

The hotline staff hears from teens about parents who are breaking up or moving. Some call when they discover a friend is cutting herself, is joining a gang, or when they know a teen is being abused—usually by someone they know. Other teens describe parents returning from war and suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Seventeen-year-old Jenna of Fairfax discloses that she recently attempted suicide.

“I’ve had a few friends who channeled their anger and issues out on me. I’d tried to kill myself with pills. My parents were upset but not overly dramatic.”

But Azoy counters this, saying parents are typically stunned to learn their child attempted suicide. “Parents say, ‘She never told me. We saw no signs.’”

“My sense is teens are turning to a variety of things, both positive and negative, to deal with stress. The ones that don’t have a strong support system in place are more likely to experiment with harder drugs like heroin,” says Azoy, who adds that teens do benefit from taking prescription antidepressants. “Medication can be lifesaving, but isn’t a magic bullet. Lots of things contribute to these issues. Teens need many things to get on a healthy path.”

Sandy Stephenson, former director of programs with Northern Virginia Juvenile Detention Home in Alexandria, says most incarcerated teens suffer from undiagnosed and untreated mental health problems. She observes, “About 30 percent of kids in detention have health impairments (high blood pressure, diabetes), 30 percent have learning disabilities, and another 30 percent are dealing with impulse control and mood disorders. We are seeing a growing number of kids who are abused, beat up or witnessed a trauma—like a friend or family member being killed. After screening them for depression, we discover red flags that lead us to put these kids on suicide watch.”

Counselors say incarcerated juveniles respond well to medical attention, including antidepressants. One such juvenile, Matt, 16, described his experience as such:

“I hated having a clear head. If I couldn’t afford PCP, I would go get alcohol or a bag of weed. I didn’t want to be where I was—that’s the only way you get away from it. Now I want to move away, start over, where people don’t know my past. The medication I’m taking is helping me. Talking to my counselor helps a lot, too.”

Matt’s counselor at a local juvenile home expands, “It’s not just the kid with the issues. It’s also the mom and dad. They can’t communicate. When Mom and Dad aren’t dealing with their own problems, it’s extremely hard for them to deal with their kid’s problems. So, family therapy is very helpful. Sometimes it has to be done through a court order, and that’s really sad.”

3. The Economy’s Impact
“The economy has affected me. I have no money to spend at all. My parents say we’re broke. I’m looking, but most jobs are going to 30-year-olds who need to feed their families.” Shoshanna, 15, Arlington County

Michael Oberschneider, a psychologist in Ashburn, sees local families struggling. Oberschneider says he believes Northern Virginia is a “wonderful place to grow up, but very demanding. The cost of living is high, and while there’s ample opportunity to advance in a career, it’s harder to give teens a well-balanced lifestyle.”

“Parents contribute to their teens’ problems by being over-demanding, by working too hard themselves, being unavailable, by divorcing or causing upset in the family,” says Oberschneider.

But the news isn’t all bad.“Parents are often the most important ingredient to therapeutic change and improvement in a struggling teen,” Oberschneider adds. He recommends reinstating the ritual of daily dinnertime. “Attention-seeking symptoms usually indicate kids want more time together.”

Esther Boykin, a Loudoun family therapist, details how the economic climate contributes to stress in families: “Teens are perceptive. They know when family is fighting about money, but there are others stressors here. Northern Virginia is a very ambitious area, so, for kids looking at college, there’s the added pressure to do extracurricular activities like sports, music, art. It’s very different than Middle America. There’s greater pressure to achieve and be exceptional, which takes a toll on teenagers. It’s a hard concept to balance when you just want to be like everybody else.”

“I get the impression the economy is why my brother and sister-in-law moved into our basement. It’s hard searching for a job, so I babysit. My family lost money in the stock market. We spend less.” Jenna, 17, Fairfax County

4. Illegal Substance Abuse and Underage Drinking
Professor David Anderson, of George Mason’s Center for Advancement of Public Health, leads a nationwide study on the culture of teen drinking. Many of his subjects are Northern Virginians. Anderson’s research revealed stress was the leading reason teens drink, followed by peer pressure. Anderson has theories: “What I see in our culture is we are moving faster, human dialogue is less. Mom’s busy making a second living, Dad’s bringing work home—there’s less attention to the family and coping with the world. The constant news blasts—how do kids make sense of all that?”

Anderson says kids get alcohol from siblings, friends, co-workers and home. Girls are surprisingly “equal partners at the table.” Teens drink to “transition from middle to high school, be socially comfortable, or to disengage,” states Anderson, “and they don’t think they will get caught.” Additional findings: “Parents are unsure how to talk about underage drinking. Kids don’t see school-based education programs as trustworthy. Frankly, most kids don’t see drinking as a problem.”

Loudoun sheriff’s Lt. Eric Prugh supervises school resource officers and expresses concern with parents who can’t or won’t discipline their teens.

Prugh says, “Everybody’s busy, but if you don’t know what your kids are doing, especially on weekends when they’re hanging with the wrong people, it’s going to come back and haunt you. You’re responsible for that kid—until he’s an adult.”

5. Screen Time
One nearly unanimous passion Virginia teens share is technology. Most are well versed and use it whenever possible. Oberschneider, an expert on the effects of screen time, says, “The advancements in technology have been a wonderful thing for us as a society, but they’ve left us a little disengaged with our teens. So many teens I work with spend too much time in front of a screen of some sort. Gaming systems can take away from developing important social experiences. I see teens heading off to college, ill-prepared emotionally and socially.”

“My iPod got stolen, but used to be glued to my ear. I cannot live without my phone. My mom punished me. The only thing that worked was taking my phone. I am so connected to Facebook. I like posting pictures, doing quizzes—you get sucked in.” Shoshanna, 15, Arlington County

Deputy Jason Fedkiw, Loudoun school resource officer, warns that sexting is a growing problem. He advises keeping computers out of bedrooms and cutting phone service off at night. Fedkiw says, “Some kids are in bed texting; it’s affecting their schoolwork. Check how many texts and the time they come in. If your kid has 500 every night at 11:30 p.m., you can stop it.” Fedkiw organizes the Road D.A.W.G.S. camp program for middle-school students in Loudoun. He says 80 percent of boys he encounters play violent video games. “Parents actually buy it for them.”

“All my friends are connected online. Everyone has an Xbox 360. It’s like Facebook—you talk to people on your microphone and play games online. My friend and I are going to be sniper guys together. Modern Warfare, Team Death Match—everyone has these games. You make classes like submachine class, assault or riot shield. Every weekend I plug in and form a party. You actually talk to people you don’t know. My mom knows I won’t give anything away. I like to make videos—500 people have watched them. I have 13 subscribers. I say I’m 25 on YouTube, even though I’m 15.” William, 15, Fairfax County

6. Gangs
Teens cite a variety of reasons for joining gangs, but the most common reason is all about their environment, and address.

Maria is 16 and incarcerated for assault with a deadly weapon. She wears tattoos with three dots—by her lip and on her fingers—symbols of membership in a gang, although she refuses to admit it. When asked about her life and how she ended up in jail, she said, “I started skipping school and hanging out. I was either chilling with the homies, or drinking, partying. I wouldn’t consider it a gang—it’s my hood. The three dots means ‘my crazy life, la vida loca.’ Basically, like the struggles you been through, the hard life you went through. Like the crimes, the damages.”

But what is the thrust, the attraction for a teen to join? Some of the most common reasons theorized are need for acceptance, or lack of parental awareness. Maria said:

“My family got nothing to do with the way that I ended up. It was just because of the people that I chose to be with. It was for the respect I got, the safety, the loyalty, stuff like that. People strongly represent the hood. You have to show that you ‘represent’ to the fullest. I saw people dying in front of my face. I saw drugs, alcohol, fights. I’ve gotten into them all.”

Fedkiw describes the appeal of gangs. “For kids home alone after school, those [gang members] are their family. They are looking to get the love they’re not getting at home for whatever reason. Some kids tend to pick it up quickly and don’t think about it much. To them it’s fun. The majority know they may end up sick, in jail or possibly dead, but they’re not worried about death. Most kids start in elementary school, where they’re drawing in their books ‘MS-13’ [nickname for criminal gang Mara Salvatrucha].”

7. Risky Behavior
While teenagers who have not been disciplined one way or another are few and far between, the pressures on today’s generation surpass the pressures felt by generations past. Gone are the days of safe neighborhood play.

Madison, 14, from Loudoun, described her neighborhood.

“Kids walk through yards, cuss, spit and dump garbage on lawns. They hang out at playgrounds harassing kids, carrying fake guns.”

She and her friends stay home and play videogames because her parents want her off the street. Madison said there are problems on her bus, too.

“We have sexual activity; kids were doing very inappropriate things. The bus driver got videos from inside the bus and showed it to staff. The kids involved just had to sit up in the front of the bus after that. I don’t do drugs, but most kids do.”

“The human brain is not fully developed until our mid-twenties,” explains Kristen Brennan, program director at Fairfax Partnership for Youth. “Teens engage in risky behaviors before they’ve developed the maturity or life experience to understand the potential consequences. The allure and short-term rewards of truancy, substance abuse and sexual behavior lead teens to hide activities from their parents to avoid worrying, disappointing or angering them.”

“You don’t need a daycare, but at the same time you need someone to tell you right from wrong. People just want to see the love their parents have for them. You can see that by them being there. You can see that from them being home.” Maria, 16, Fairfax County

Mae
18, Fairfax County
When I need help I go to my school counselor, not my parents. For social problems, I go to my friends. My friends and I like the same things, football games, our school. We really care about academics. I do cheerleading, which takes up most of my time. I practice three hours a day and do competitions. That’s about all I did at one point.

My life is so stressful. My family isn’t financially stable. I applied for scholarships and financial aid. I try to take the hardest courses I can handle. I do homework four hours a night. I’m taking SATs, filling out college applications; it’s true, 11th and 12th grade is bad as most people say.

I look forward to taking showers. That’s the only time I feel carefree. I haven’t been to church since my junior year, but I still pray. It keeps me going. I attend an all-Korean church. I’m friends with all cultures, but my friends from there understand my problems best.

My family filed for bankruptcy; they’re always fighting over money. I hate my parents fighting. We moved to a different house, so it’s better. But the economy still impacts us. My parents can’t speak English—they work as a cook and beautician. They can’t get promoted. These are unstable jobs.

Steve
19, Fairfax County
To relax I like to smoke marijuana, and I do drink, although I’m underage. I’ve been in every lecture on it, I don’t think it’s a big negative if you do it recreationally and take a responsible view. I don’t do it all the time, and I don’t want it to be a “controllant.” I use it at a party or with friends, but never if I’m driving. … I know friends whose number one thing in high school was get stuff from medicine cabinets. Most people in high school used happy pills like Ritalin, or smoked. I’d rather smoke marijuana than use any drug without permission from a doctor. It’s easy to get ADHD drugs and controlled substances or narcotics. It’s easier and cheaper than getting marijuana.

I always drink with someone else, never alone. If you use drugs alone, it’s easier to develop a serious condition. I am an AA member since I turned 16. I never totally stopped drinking, but I know I can control my drinking. It runs in my family. I helped eight people who’ve stepped over the line with alcohol. If they turn me down for help, it’s OK. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make ‘em drink.

Ginny
16, Fairfax County
Follow my lead, I say, when I see a girl and her friends getting ready to jump my cousin. I hit the girl, punched her—it was like an all-out fight. For my friends I hold close to me, I say, “If you fighting then I’m fighting. If you get jumped, then I get jumped.”

If you get locked up and everybody else get away, you don’t snitch, you serve your time. I got caught with weapon charges. You don’t tell who you got it from, because nine times out of 10, if the police don’t keep you safe, and your family don’t move you out, far away, like on the other side, you die. They’ll kill you, the drugs dealers, or whoever you snitched on. They’ll find you—people dealing will come after you.

I wasn’t afraid. I was high on pills—popped six pills every night, woke up every morning to a joint. I drank when I felt like getting just a little more messed up. I didn’t care about nothing. I’m an addict, and everybody knew it. I had a gun under my pillow. I wasn’t thinking about the future. I was thinking of drug money galore, me buying everything—fancy cars, living well, eating on a daily basis, buying clothes. Drug money—money over everything and everybody.

(August 2010)