Bridging the Gap
Divorced Parents Share Space.
By Renee Sklarew
Illustration by Franco Santos
A new convention of cohabitation has divorced parents dwelling in the same home.
Each year thousands of Virginia couples, who once sought matrimonial bliss, end up in civil courts working out custody arrangements. But, while divorce is not uncommon, today’s parents look for lifestyles that help make their divorce less stressful for their children.
Newly divorcing couples are learning how the economy plays a role in custody decisions. One father in Fairfax is paying for his kids to remain in the house where they lived before the divorce. “As a result of the housing market, [I’m] stuck with a house. Although I have my place in Virginia, I have access to the house and kids in Maryland. I see the kids and even spend the night (downstairs), but my wife and I have no romantic link,” he says of the situation.
His arrangement resembles “nesting”—when parents rotate in and out of a location where their kids reside. This allows the children to attend the same schools, see neighborhood friends, and not drag suitcases between two different homes. Psychiatrist Joan Kinlan, M.D., testifies in the Northern Virginia family courts on cases involving custody. She says she doesn’t see too many couples choosing this arrangement but is enthusiastic about nesting. “Kids feel more comfortable in their own room. Friends come to the same house. They take the same route to school. It’s much easier for the kids,” says Dr. Kinlan. She thinks that it’s also a good transition that gives both parents time to plan and decide. “It’s a bridge to the future,” adds Kinlan. “The house unconsciously represents a parent.”
Nesting takes an extraordinary amount of cooperation, which is why it’s unusual, and, Dr. Kinlan concedes, “Most couples have trouble just being civil to one another.” There is also the problem of sharing a space—when two adults have different habits and rules. As a couple, parents usually compromise, but in divorce the adults may not be so magnanimous. For example, one parent believes allowing children to play outside alone is a safety violation, while another thinks it’s perfectly safe. These philosophical differences make nesting a challenge.
Christian Curtis, an attorney with a family law practice in Old Town Alexandria, says the court system disfavors nesting. “Inherently, the couple is in conflict, or they wouldn’t be divorcing,” explains Curtis. “When people are divorcing, the courts want them to be cleanly apart from each other as quickly as possible. Conflict always spills onto the kids, despite the [parents’] best intentions.”
Some couples use mediators to negotiate the terms of their separation. Curtis notes, “Nesting is going to take hold among people who avoid court rooms—well-meaning moms and dads who keep it together enough to eschew hostilities and rancor. They’re the ones who come up with a solution like that.” He thinks nesting might become more conventional, since so often today both parents work and both want equal time with their kids. “One thing kids want to be sure of is that both parents are going to be involved in their lives,” says Curtis. “Parents alternating back and forth makes them comfortable. It makes them appreciate they will get the care they need.”
Despite seeing benefits to it, Curtis has reservations about nesting as well: “It says, ‘My parents aren’t rooted here.’ It puts the world upside-down for kids. Kids want to see parents on their own two feet.”
The Numbers
28,000+ Divorces in Virginia
54,000+ Marriages in Virginia
(Source: National center for vital statistics)
37% Drop in divorce cases.
(Source: American academy of matrimonial lawyers report 2009)
House Hunters
Success rates show miniscule difference between cohabitating and moving in after marriage: 71% of men engaged when they moved in with their future first wife made it to their 10th anniversary, 69% for men who didn’t cohabitate before marriage. As for women, 65% of cohabiting engaged women remained married 10 years, compared to 66% of women who moved in after marriage.
(Source: National Center for Divorce statistics.)
(August 2011)