Modern Marriage in the Northern Virginia Region
Traditions and Expanding Definitions
by Lexi Gray
Illustrations by Michael Witte
To some couples, monogamy has no place in their marriage, while other couples would rather pledge long-term monogamy than have an official wedding ceremony. Others trust in their religious beliefs to give them strength in their marriage.
The 2010 Census data reveals there has been very little change in the composition of Northern Virginia’s households since 2000, and married couples are still, for the most part, the largest percentage. However, the region’s younger residents do follow a national trend of marrying later in life.
A 2010 report from the Pew Research Center (“The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families”) discusses a few trends in national marriage rates today. Marriage is common for college-educated adults, but it is less frequent for people with low incomes. This is reflected in Arlington, Fairfax and Loudoun counties as well as in Alexandria, each with mean household incomes of $100,000 or higher per year.
People are waiting until later in life to get married these days, according to researchers. In 1960, about 68 percent of people aged 20-29 were married—and that number plummeted to 26 percent by 2008, according to Pew. Since more people seek higher education today than ever before, they are likely to delay marriage until their degrees are completed and their finances are at least somewhat in order.
Northern Virginia’s residents are surely an educated bunch—more than 55 percent of residents ages 25 and older have college degrees in Arlington, Fairfax and Loudoun counties as well as in Alexandria City. Out of those, Arlington County is the most educated with 68.8 percent of residents ages 25 and older holding at least a bachelor’s degree.
“One of the key characteristics of NoVA is the extremely well-educated population. Increased education, especially among women, is generally regarded as the driving force behind increasing median age at marriage. So it should come as no surprise if people in Northern Virginia are waiting longer to marry,” says Shannon N. Davis, Ph.D., assistant professor of sociology at George Mason University, who specializes in research on the negotiation of family life.
Only in Arlington County and Alexandria is it more popular to live alone than to be married. Yet even in those two areas, around 33 percent of households include a married couple, according to data from the 2010 Census.
In keeping with the Pew findings, Arlington County and Alexandria also have significantly higher populations of people ages 20-34 than do nearby counties. In Arlington County, 33.5 percent of residents are between ages 20-34, and in Alexandria the age group accounts for 30.6 percent—compared to just below 20 percent in both Loudoun and Fairfax counties.
“Women’s earnings relative to men’s have increased, though there is great race/ethnic variation in this figure,” says Davis. “Women who have increased earning power do not have to rely on men to support them, thus leading to lower rates of marriage and/or delayed marriage.”
At some point, most people will marry. The Population Reference Bureau notes that about 90 percent of people will walk down the aisle at least once. It’s just a matter of how old they’ll be when it happens.
Modern Expectations for Family and Marriage
While Northern Virginia’s bottom line hasn’t changed much with regard to the number of marriages, certain details of family and married life, and how they are perceived, have changed over the past several decades.
Pew’s research suggests that different types of family formats are becoming more acceptable in the U.S.—families no longer have to consist of a husband, a wife and two kids. For Pew’s survey, 63 percent of respondents said same-sex couples with children should be considered a family; 80 percent said that unmarried couples with children count as families; and 86 percent said single parents and their children are families.
Notably, the Pew study revealed that 69 percent of respondents agree that the trend of single women having children is bad for society. Members of the Single Parent Information Network (SPiN), which has a strong following in Northern Virginia, would certainly disagree.
Elisa Modugnu, a 38-year-old single mother living in Northern Virginia, feels that non-traditional families like her own are accepted here, but she still feels that being a single mother carries “a bit of a stigma.”
“I have been married, but never had children with my ex-husband. I do not think I will ever marry again. My focus is on my daughter, and I do not want to introduce another relationship into my life that, once again, might not work out,” Modugnu says. “I definitely don’t feel pressured to find a husband: quite the opposite!”
In large portions of Northern Virginia, it’s more common to see married couples with no children than it is to see couples that have them. In Alexandria, 20.3 percent of married couples have no children, compared to 13.2 percent with children; in Arlington the numbers are 19.4 without children compared to 14.5 with children. In Fairfax County, those numbers are closer—29.4 percent without to 28 percent with children. Loudoun County’s population has more married couples with children than without—39.1 percent vs. 26 percent.
Same-sex marriage is also becoming more accepted in Virginia, though 57 percent of Virginia residents voted for it to be constitutionally banned in 2006. More recent polls suggest this overall opinion might be changing. In 2011, a Washington Post survey reported that 64 percent of Northern Virginia residents were in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage.
Cohabitation is also increasing, for both financial and personal reasons. Living together before marriage is common in Northern Virginia, as thousands of couples throughout the region are currently in this type of living arrangement.
“Several studies have shown that marriage, as an institution, is so strong that individuals 20-35 right now want to wait to marry to make sure they get it right,” Davis says, also noting that one group of people cohabiting whose numbers are increasing are those who have been divorced.
She adds, “Many young people who cohabitate do want to marry. Raised in a culture of divorce, they don’t want to get divorce, so they are waiting—including cohabiting, and maybe cohabiting a few times—because they want to make sure they have the right person and all the resources they need. So they get their education, they save some money, they have the right person, and then they marry.”
Not all couples view cohabitation as a step toward the ultimate goal of marriage. Roxanne Alvarez and her boyfriend, Baylen, both of Washington, D.C., have been together 18 years, with no plans to marry. Several years ago they entered a domestic partnership, but have never seriously considered marriage. However, they consider themselves a bonafide family—just without the official label that comes with being a married couple.
“Most little girls fantasize about having a big fairytale wedding, but I never felt that for myself. My fantasies involved adventures and being free—marriage didn’t seem very liberating to me,” Alvarez says.
“Sometimes I joke to my friends that when Baylen and I have been together 25 years, it would be funny to get married—just to throw people off. But in all seriousness, I don’t think it’s something I would consider, but as I get older I try to avoid saying ‘never.’ So, I won’t say we’ll never do it, just that it’s very unlikely,” Alvarez remarks.
As for this region, Alvarez says she feels it’s a mixture of people who favor traditional marriage and those who prefer a non-traditional route. “I just went to a wedding in the spring for a couple who had been together 10 years before getting married. I definitely don’t think traditional marriage is becoming obsolete. Less than half a dozen people I know are unmarried and have no plans to get married. I definitely feel like I’m in the minority.”
Even when a couple enters the marriage with traditional family goals in mind, it’s not uncommon for their expectations and ideals to change over the years. Some couples divorce, and others redefine their marriage. Doris and Anthony* of Springfield, both 48, became complacent with their marriage after 10 years, especially when their children had grown and left home.
“My marriage as it is currently is nothing like I thought it would be,” Doris says. “Though our love for each other has never been in question, there were parts missing that we just couldn’t provide to each other. I ended up having an affair with someone I worked with about three years ago. I knew Anthony wouldn’t have a problem with it, so I told him about it. He told me that if that was what I needed then I should do it.”
Eventually, Doris’s co-worker moved to another state. To fill this void, Doris and Anthony got in touch with a local polyamory group—just out of curiosity. “My husband met his first partner at that first dinner, and from there we evolved into an open and happier couple. No more picket fence for me.”
Anthony also expressed his contentment with his current marital situation. “Marriage is everything I always thought it would be, but also a lot more. What I didn’t expect was to find my heart big enough to hold more than one other person, or to want my wife’s happiness even when that meant her being with someone else.”
A friend of Anthony and Doris has now moved in with the couple—as Anthony’s lover and Doris’s best friend. “She is very much the kind of woman that we both needed in our lives, and she just moved in with us recently. We are a very happy trio,” Doris says of the situation.
Anthony adds, “I think that in general people in Northern Virginia are more tolerant of diversity of all types than most other places in the country, including non-traditional families. Traditional marriage is alive and well, and serves the purpose for most people.”
Traditional Marriage Still the Ideal for Many
David and Shon Lyublanovitz, 45 and 37, of Woodbridge, are among the area’s married couples who are fulfilled by a traditional, monogamous marriage.
“We’ve been together every day from the very first time we met,” says Shon. “We both were previously married to other people and experienced adultery and all-around bad marriages, but it never took away that innocence and true meaning of what love and marriage should be.”
As for the Northern Virginia region, Shon says she feels traditional marriages like her own are on the decline. “We think that marriage is less popular in Northern Virginia. In our opinion, our generation has lost the focus on what marriage should represent. David and I are both from the South, and we often wonder if it’s our Southern upbringing that has kept us rooted in the values of love, honor, faith and commitment.”
Dr. Ashley Seeger, a licensed social worker who provides couples therapy in Dupont Circle, disagrees that traditional relationships are going by the wayside. “Most people coming into couples counseling want to have a monogamous relationship, even when it’s not working out for them. People do want a traditional relationship where you can plan and look forward to life together with one partner.”
She adds, “In and around Northern Virginia, we have a very open-minded community as a whole. I haven’t really seen a shift in what people want from marriage. I think the ideal is still to have a monogamous married relationship, because there are a lot of benefits to it. For our culture, the long-standing fairytale is falling in love and getting married.”
Graham King, co-owner of Balance Gym in Washington, D.C., is a recent convert to the fairytale ending. King is a newlywed who embodies most of what the Pew study claims about modern marriage trends—he is college educated, and at age 37 has entered his first marriage later in life than earlier trends dictated. His wife, Carolina, is 27.
“I knew within five days of meeting Caro that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Over the next three weeks that she was here we talked ‘logistics’ since she’s Costa Rican and I am American,” King says.
He adds, “I’m not sure that I had much of an opinion of marriage when I was younger since it seemed to be something I would do later. I was busy with work, school, traveling, etc. My opinion was that I wanted to get married, but wanted to be sure it was with right person—not just do it because it was the next logical step in a relationship. “
As for how his life will change now, King says, “I think I will be happier, healthier and full of love. I also see that we will partner our businesses and travel extensively. The bachelor life … will cease, but it will be replaced with amazing experiences with my wife!”
Man on the Street Interviews
“Do you think marriage in Northern Virginia is becoming obsolete?”
Phyllis, 49, Waldorf, MD: married 16.5 years
“Since this area has just legalized same-sex marriages, I would think that many, if not the majority, no longer believe in the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman. I think it’s way more liberal here versus the South. My views are based on the Bible, which some may say is intolerable, and that’s OK. I would rather be found on judgement day pleasing God instead of man.”
David, 62, Herndon: former marriage lasted 15 years
“I think that most people still see marriage in a very traditional sense. With the advent of same-sex marriage and acceptance of it, many people are having their lives affected. But I still feel that most people lean toward traditional more.”
Taylor (male), 34, Alexandria: married two years
“If you refer to the 1950s traditional marriage, I would say that it is pretty much dead. If you mean the idea of traditional marriage being one man, one woman, then, yes, I feel that it is slowly becoming obsolete.”
Rob, 36, of Fredericksburg: married two years
“Traditional marriage is not becoming obsolete or passé. All of our friends favor traditional marriages for their own reasons, which are very valid—to each, their own.”
Anonymous
“People are slowly realizing that what we have been told or taught our entire lives may not be accurate. People question marriage more today than yesterday. Information is more easily accessible, and people generally know more and have experienced more than those that came before us. However, the majority of the people I know are in traditional-styled relationships. The majority of my friends are not.”
(Nov. 2011)