Saying Goodbye

All humans must grieve the loss of a pet; they may just go about it differently.

By Jenni Terry

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I had to put my dog to sleep today.”

My coworker’s sudden comment came from behind the bookshelf that delineated his workspace in the Congressional office where I worked five years ago and fell on the room with a thud.

He had returned to the office that afternoon—presumably from his lunch break—gone straight to his cubbyhole, fired up Outlook, and made the announcement without turning from his screen.

We all offered our sincere “sorries”—what else could we say? He added that he had had his dog since he was a little boy—10, I think. He seemed hesitant to discuss it, and I couldn’t decide if it was because he was too upset to talk about it or if he felt like he shouldn’t talk about it.

I wondered why he had not told us where he was going or why he had not taken the afternoon off. It seems unreasonable that after losing a pet, owners should ever expect themselves to pick right up as if nothing has changed. As Jenny Baker, of Arlington, knows, the loss of a pet can be devastating. Last year, her 17-year old Russian Blue cat, Alley, passed away
after being diagnosed with renal failure in 2008.

“I always knew it would be hard, but I was beside myself with grief,” Baker says. “I had lost pets before, but not one that I had as long as Alley or was this close to.”

Alley was her “husband’s cat” first, Baker says, and was 5-years-old when Baker married into the family. Baker says that while it took a couple of years for Alley to “accept” her, she developed a strong bond with the feline.

“With my husband in the military, we moved around a bit, and Alley became my best friend as we endured lots of time together with him away for long periods of training, deployments and work overseas,” Baker says.

“Alley was such a quiet cat before I came along, but with me, she found her voice and she loved to ‘talk’ to me,” explains Baker. It’s like she really knew what I was saying to her.”

To deal with her grief, Baker says she and her husband celebrated Alley’s life by looking at pictures and reminiscing as well as accepting that Alley had a good life and that they did everything they could for her.

While coming to terms with Alley’s death, Baker wrestled with the issue all pet owners face after losing a pet—preparing to get another one. Baker says she read much about the grief process and that many experts advised waiting two months to a year and that getting a pet that looks like the former pet is a bad idea.

But Baker says she was “miserable” without a “fur person” and decided that advice was not right for her.

Three weeks after Alley passed away, Baker found a stray 5-month-old grey Russian Blue-mix on PetFinder.com in need of a home. Though it was soon, adopting the kitten helped Baker get through her lingering grief.

“You need to do what’s best for you,” Baker says. “Yes, she looked a lot like Alley, but we knew right away she had her own distinct and funny personality.”

I know I will recall Baker’s story one day—a day I don’t even allow myself to think about. For now, I hope that those currently experiencing this loss can take solace in a reminder that being open about how much it hurts to lose a pet is a part of the healing process.

And it’s OK to open up and talk about it—even if your coworkers can only say “sorry.”

(January 2012)