Onion Food News
Posted by ryan / Thursday, May 19th, 2011
Eat A Vegetable Already!
The FDA wants Americans to make healthier choices. In a recent press conference, the deputy commissioner berated all the stupid fat people of the country for their eating habits. “Just buy a bag a carrots, and eat them like you would normally devour a pack of hot dogs,” he said. “If you usually stand in front of the fridge, stuffing them into your fat face cold. Do that with a carrot instead. It’s just that simple.”
More tips and tricks for combating obesity can be found at the FDA website. Among them are the evils of melted cheese with every meal, it’s called water people, bacon is not a food group, and remembering to breath between bites.
America’s Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?
Millions of Americans eat at restaurants every day, where seemingly nice servers charm and enchant customers with playful small talk and their warm smiles. Are they truly this nice, or are they using their feminine wiles to manipulate the customer into leaving a larger tip?
Investigative reports have been inconclusive so far. According to body language specialists, their order-taking posture is indicative of mutual attraction. Other customers are given the same treatment however. Even those men who weren’t particularly good looking had the ability to stall them for up to thirty seconds, which adds to the confusion.
Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted to Dispense Own Ketchup
The fast food industry is addressing a growing problem in an effort to cut wasteful expenses. Americans’ utter lack of self-restraint has forced officials to impose a strict two-packet policy on customers. Overestimating the maturity level of the public was part of the problem.
Beginning next week, all fast food restaurants will begin withholding condiments. If additional ketchup is desired, a three-page request form must be completed beforehand. You must have two forms of valid identification, social security number, and a signature from a third-party witness. The manager on duty will then evaluate if your claim is necessary. Only then will you receive a condiment voucher. Requesting barbecue sauce for your fries will result in you being escorted from the premises immediately.
Reaction to this new policy has been overwhelmingly negative thus far. Most people are protesting by eating lunch at home.
Arby’s is still allowing their brave customers to freely operate the ‘horsey sauce’ dispenser though, as nobody has touched it in years.
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Tags: Condiment, fast food, food, News & Updates, obesity, Onion, Vegetable, Waitress