Self-help books promise to give readers the lives they dream of if they follow the author’s steps. But Todd Kashdan’s latest book tells people that they only have to look to their dark emotions to find happiness.
Over 14 years of research has led Todd Kashdan to question whether people should strive for happiness. He says that only by exploring the darker side of one’s emotions will anyone really be able to reach a well-rounded life, which will inevitably lead to the land of happiness.
We spoke with Kashdan, a psychology professor and director of the Laboratory for the Study of Social Anxiety, Character Strengths and Related Phenomena at George Mason University, about his latest research, co-authored with Robert Biswas-Diener, in “The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self—Not Just Your Good Self—Drives Success and Fulfillment.”
Through all your years of study, how have you come to this conclusion that it’s not great to be happy all the time?
“We all want to be happy, of course, but when you make it the objective of your life, there is this irony. We overvalue happiness as a goal and then it becomes harder to be happy because many of the things that deviate from happy feelings are exactly what we need to make progress towards the most meaningful aspirations we have in life.
“We argue that we get psychologically weaker until we expose ourselves to discomfort. If you don’t train kids to be comfortable with discomfortable thoughts and feelings—that they’re not the best at everything, or that self-doubt and changing your opinion is not a bad thing—then you won’t have kids who know themselves enough to navigate, successfully, [through] the social world and then the business world.”
You write that people who are more open to the broad spectrum of their emotions are better at recognizing that.
“Think of a room full of people. When you’re in a less than happy mood, you are better at detecting the emotional shifts of other people in the room, and that is an incredible skill.
“Our emotions are the most efficient way to communicate exactly what we need in a situation. It’s 10,000 years of evolution, so this is a book about honoring evolution. We have this wide palate of emotions because it’s an effective way of communicating as a human being.”
How can people tap into these emotions and use them honestly and effectively?
“People don’t want to be an angry person; they don’t want to be a narcissist, or a psychopath. They don’t want to be trained to be a prick. You can think of this as a book to use tools that are already in your tool belt that you think less of because they are uncomfortable or they are less socially desirable to talk about. If you don’t like that these are tools you want to touch, at the minimum, read this book and you have the armor to protect yourself from the people that have the full palate and are comfortable expressing any side of their personality. If you’re not aware of it, that they are using these as tools to get what they want, you’re going to be defenseless. Think of this as psychological armor, or armor as well as a way to improve your psychological strengths.
“In terms of how to use them effectively, one of the things is what we call the discomfort caveat. It’s letting people know you are uncomfortable talking about these kinds of things because you know it will cause some friction. Just acknowledging it out loud makes people put their defenses down.
“The second one is, when you’re upset and stressed, to be able to label the exact emotions you are feeling. If you can label what you are feeling, those emotions can motivate different types of behaviors. If you [don’t differentiate your emotions] it’s hard to get a foothold on what you do next to actively work through the situation.”
Is there a high likelihood that people can effectively differentiate their emotions?
“Best I can say is it’s a highly teachable skill. It’s like emotional literacy. When you make the endgame happiness, you get caught looking at the thermostat as if that’s what life is. But that’s not the goal of life. If you can’t get the full palate [of emotions] you’ll miss all these moments where not being in full control, not being fully happy, and not being fully calm are some of the best moments of our lives. Think about first dates, horror movies, rollercoasters. The moments before we dare greatly are all negative, uncomfortable emotions.”
You say that Americans have the worst time differentiating emotions. Is there a possibility of reversing it?
“No question. We can go in all different directions. In the U.S. a lot of [the way we act] is about getting attention and attracting other people, and when you look at other cultures, such as Russia, they can’t stand the exuberant, optimistic, playful mentality of a typical American.
“When you make the goal to feel a certain way you miss something because you’ve got to think of what’s the motive behind your movements. What are you trying to accomplish in your week, in your day? And then, the emotions will come and go kind of randomly. … So many books, and so many consultants and speakers talk about being happy, and it’s such a pernicious message. It’s so stressful to think about trying to be happy all the time. Why can’t we just experience what we’re experiencing? … Is the goal to be as happy as possible in a relationship, or is the goal to be effortlessly yourself?”
And you say narcissism gets a bad rap.
“We need to be able to recognize and appreciate the idea of being mentally, emotionally and socially agile. … There are certain behaviors that are all under the umbrella of narcissism that tend to be useful. One is your typical, unhealthy side that we call narcissistic rivalry. That is saying nobody is going to beat me and tear me down. You strive for supremacy. That is the very unhealthy side. But there is another side that is healthy, you may call it narcissistic admiration. And that’s like holding a sign that says, ‘I’m amazing, wait until the world finds out. I’m going to make an impact on the world.’ Instead of striving for supremacy, you strive for uniqueness, and now you’re looking for what makes you shine. It’s OK to be selfish as long as your goal is to do great work and have amazing relationships. There are multiple ways of getting there, and a lot of them deviate from positivity.” –Lynn Norusis
(January 2015)