Flipping through channels on my TV the other week I came upon a comedian boiling down online dating.
The guy, a contestant on “Last Comic Standing,” was riffing on the concerns of men vs. women when it comes to meeting a romantic interest and transitioning from digitally connecting to the real thing.
Guys’ biggest fear, according to the comedian: I hope she’s not uggo.
Ladies’ biggest fear, according to the same comedian: I hope I don’t die. I hope my head stays on my body after this date, and I survive.
Hearing this, my first reaction was to laugh. Then, I realized my laughing, nay my cackling, was because of how true the statement was.
On nearly all of the dates that I’ve gone on lately, especially as a product of Tinder, I’ve showed up and the man I’m meeting feels the need to make some statement about how I compare in person to my pictures:
“You look like your pictures.”
“You look better in person.”
“Your pictures seem like they’re recent.”
Or even some vague reference to women and what they post to show how they look, such as “You never know what someone’s actually going to look like in person.”
Literally, these are all statements males have made. God forbid a woman is five pounds heavier than they anticipated, less busty or somehow not their physical ideal.
I understand that some women lie and post photos that are not a true reflection of how they appear at the moment. Clearly men do, too. I met a date once who, unbeknownst to me, was bald. His photos clearly showed him in hats or with a full, thick head of brown wavy hair. False advertising much.
In my experience, it’s the men that put so much stock in this photo/in-person match. God forbid she’s not as hot as imagined.
I’d also have to agree with the comedian on women’s worries. Yup, I’ve entered a date and thought the same things I did before skydiving, “Here are the steps I need to take to make sure I stay safe.”
Yet when the person is someone you discovered on a website or app, there’s this extra uncertainty and fear factor. Is he who he says he is? Is he a he? Do I even want to find out?
The other night a former soldier in the Army wanted to take me out. He lives in Laurel. Actually, his employer’s putting him up in a hotel in Laurel and then on weekends he returns to the remote part of Pennsylvania where he has a house. Not exactly geographically ideal, but he seemed kind and complimentary, so I agreed to meet him—if he abided by a few rules.
Now, I’m not the rules type. “The Rules” has never been my Bible. I have a serious spontaneous streak, and I live an unstructured, freelance lifestyle. Still, I value, you know, having a head and living, so I decided to take some control. Army guy met me in D.C. where I wanted to eat. He parked his car, I walked over to the tavern. Afterwards, he went his way and I went mine. And, because a drone isn’t penning this post, I did, in fact, live to tell the tale.
As I go on dates, especially ones arranged by Tinder, here are the safety precautions I’ve started taking. The goal isn’t to be a buzzkill but also not to be a sucker at someone else’s mercy or put in a really horrible, awkward position if he skews toward jerk (though, let’s face it, there will be awkwardness):
Stay in your neighborhood, at least for the first date if you have any qualms. At first this felt really selfish to me, to have someone come to me. But then I realized that I live in a central area that has amenities, so this is not a huge ask. Any guy worth his salt, too, should be willing to head your way. Keeping close to home can allow for a quick escape, too, if it comes to that.
Don’t reveal certain personal tidbits just yet. Your last name, your kid’s name are better saved until it’s clear you’re not dealing with a serial killer.
Don’t friend him on Facebook. Particularly if you link up on social media prior to the date, then the date turns out to be a dud or, worse yet, one you never want to remember again, this gets messy. Being connected on whatever app or site first brought you together is enough for starters.
Tell someone know where you are. This is an oldy, but goody that needs to make a resurgence. Let a pal know that you’re at that taqueria down the street or just that you’re out that night with “the scruffy guy we talked about.” It may seem cliche, but he or she can text and create a reason for your departure should that be necessary.
Trust your instincts. Whenever I listen to that little voice in my head I make the right call. When I put her in a corner like Baby in “Dirty Dancing,” no good comes. Go with your gut in love, not to mention life.
Oh, and be the girl in your photo. Represent yourself correctly and at least the guy is getting you. If he doesn’t like it, forget him. Plenty more singles are online.
Just be careful parsing through them.
–Dena