Hookup culture is more often than not stigmatized, judged and fretted over. I can’t think of how many analyses I’ve read worried (nay, distraught) about the way in which college students interact with members of the opposite sex—no more dating, just sex without commitment.
For all of the condemnation, it turns out there’s a softer side to hooking up. It leads to a lot of unions. This update comes courtesy none other than the National Marriage Project, which regularly studies the topic of marriage.
The group’s latest research shows that almost one-third of the married participants their relationships with their now-spouse began as meager hookups. Presumably in the course of getting down and dirty two people sometimes realize that they don’t hate each others’ personalities. They may grow to love each other and it just so happens that the first way they discovered this was through physical means.
This doesn’t shock me; that a decent supply of married couples admitted to this did, a little. Even on Tinder and dating apps that have become mainstream there are jokes and insinuations that if two people hit it off and it leads to something substantial they’ll come up with a lie about how they met.
As much as we now meet via platforms designed to put singles together, and as much as bars and social situations still lead to singles messing around first instead of courting each other slowly and gradually, we don’t often admit it.
In stark contrast, this week I also read a Buzzfeed list (sponsored by Rosetta Stone) rattling off dating rituals and traditional in nations across the globe. The feature was supposed to serve as a love-themed show and tell to compare how we go about mating around the world. One that stood out gave a glimpse into dating in Finland. The author wrote:
It’s totally acceptable for a night of random, drunken sex to lead to a serious relationship. Drink up, but don’t forget your protection! ;)
That seems decidedly opposite the perception in the good old U.S. of A. Yet rampant hooking up certainly happens, and marriage can even be the end game.
A few other findings about marriage from the new research that sheds some new light includes these findings:
Bigger weddings (in terms of the number of guests) equates to bigger long-term happiness.
Yup. In the report the researchers refer to it as the Big Fat Greek Wedding effect. The premise is that more people in attendance for The Big Day means more support as marriage gets harder. They always say that it takes a village to raise a child. I guess the same applies for raising a married couple, or at least keeping them together.
Intention and actually making a decision makes a difference to the overall health of the relationship.
Here, the a-ha moment was that there’s a tangible impact when a couple just sort of haphazardly ends up hitting relationship markers as opposed to consciously talking about and opting to take them. So, the couple that suddenly finds themselves living together out of convenience will fare a little less well than the couple who plotted and plodded ahead in a strategic way to arrive at the decision to cohabitate.
I’m not sure where all this leads my marriage prospects except to know in the back of my mind that what starts off as casual fun isn’t precluded from ending up at the altar.
–Dena