There are men out there trying to, as they proudly proclaim, get laid. Oh, how I hate that term. A date means an opportunity to get in a girl’s pants, is how they figure it. Hit a home run. Get action. Basically, pick your sexual metaphor, and it’s the total aim of some guys. “Getting laid,” as impersonal as it is, does convey the motivation and intent rather well.
I should be fair and acknowledge that this is the aim of some ladies as well. Consider that acknowledged.
Regardless, it’s an unchangeable fact.
But a book that’s titled “How To Get Laid … Before the Main Course?” Oh wow. I didn’t believe or want to think that a full-fledged instruction book was out there for getting laid. I didn’t want to believe it, that is, until it arrived in my mailbox.
The publisher sent me a copy of the paperback (whose subtitle is “A Gentleman’s Approach for the Big Date“) to peruse and assess. I read it over quickly, with a pained expression at certain points I’m sure.
Essentially, here’s the skinny on the book: The author is apparently named ViMal. This is information I only know because of the letter that the publisher sent me. Who is this getting-laid genius? According to the back cover, he was born in Africa, grew up in Europe, traveled across the globe and now lives in California. Oh, and he has an English accent. That’s got to help.
“Getting Laid … Before the Main Course” is broken down into several sections. First, the introduction states the goal of the book and sets its importance into context. This is designed to be a choreographed course of action for a guy to take once he has taken the female on at least one date. ViMar emphasizes that maybe they’re locked lips already so this is at least the second of third encounter. (This somehow brought a tad bit of comfort, I have to say, though, to be honest, what guy would go to all this trouble as part of a one-night stand). The stakes are high, and the pressure’s on. “No restaurant, no movie, no distractions,” he says.
Next there are the golden rules and steps that the author would like men to follow in order to have an evening that ends in success—aka sex. This takes the shape of lists about what to say and not say, how to prep the meal and dazzle a date.
The last section is more “Food Network” with recipes for a handful of complete menus that men that can use to get their ladies into bed. The idea is that the food is easy to prepare, easy to eat and sets some kind of open mood so that the woman will feel inclined to be in a romantic frame of mind. Ideally, the three-course dinner doesn’t make it to the end; the couple heads straight to the bedroom by the end of the main course. But if they do get to food dessert, it’s yummy and not especially taxing to make.
Amidst these sections I didn’t hate every point and tip presented (though I did hate some). So, here what’s I found appealing, appalling and even more halting:
Appealing
A constant theme is good hygiene and manners. “Don’t give her a reason to question your personal hygiene,” he says plainly. This may seem like a no-brainer but the author keeps reminding male readers to smell good, dress nicely and think about the details of presentation. Duh, but also kudos. As a lady, that’s appreciated.
Similarly, encouraging men to make their dates laugh right away to put them at ease is an obvious—yet certainly positive and true—pointer. ViMal is a stickler for humility, as well, so dinner conversation shouldn’t be a brag-fest. In the D.C. area this could serve some men well to abide by.
Lastly, I enjoyed a few analyses he made of body language. If the woman is interested she’ll, in a way, mirror or synchronize her movements with the man’s. She’ll grab at her fork as he does. After some soul searching, I realized that this actually makes sense and is a natural response to indicate some level of attraction.
Appalling
Then, we have the strategies and insights that the book taps into that made me cringe. Yes, women want a guy with his stuff together and who’s polite. Yet there was an assumption that a guy is “in like flynn” if he acts like a well-trained human. It’s certain that she’ll take her clothes off if he can master a few tricks and classic moves. In fact, the author guarantees that the man is getting laid. Guarantees? This isn’t a smartphone purchased at a store; it’s a person with quirks and preferences.
Specifically, if the woman has agreed to stop by the man’s house for dinner “there is a more than 65 percent chance that you will get laid. Your job is not to screw up. It will take her less than 3 seconds to decide that you are not going to get some,” ViMar lets the male readers know.
This attitude riles me up a bit.
As does the book’s steps for what should happen as soon as the lady walks through the front door.
“As you walk through the hallway, maybe slowing down and giving her the guided tour, you are probably checking out her ass and other attributes. Look discreetly.”
In other words, it’s a primer on ogling a female without her noticing. Joy.
Even more halting
In the area of compliments, the author says yes but with restrictions.
It’s OK, he says, to remark that she looks nice. (Well, I should hope so). Three, though, is the limit to the number of niceties men are allowed, using this strategy, to dole out over the course of an evening.
The reason? “Women’s minds work in ways we will never understand. Compliments are a minefield. … Some compliments reveal your desperation. They are an ugly display and a complete turn-off.”
Funny. I always thought noticing and expressing positive attributes of another person only helped your case. The rationale reminded me of the technique of “negging” made popular by the Pick-Up Artist several years ago. Here, the notion is that a beautiful woman will be so used to compliments being thrown her way; a guy sets himself apart by teasing her, slightly insulting her. This keeps her on her toes and puts him in a position of strength.
I never bought it. And I don’t know that “negging” has ever worked on me.
Overall, the book, should be taken with a grain of salt. Expecting that there’s a logical multi-step process to trick—or maneuver—a woman into bed by feeding her a strategically executed meal is a bit insulting. I’d advise men to stick to the tips around hygiene and focus on respecting their lady companion, getting to know her. Then, who knows, she might want to get intimate with you all on her own.
–Dena