Posts Tagged ‘Dating’
Posted by Katie Greenan / Thursday, December 8th, 2011
Many readers responded this week concerning their dream guy or girl, fantasies, and more…do you agree?
“My dream partner will possess the following qualities: loyalty, honesty, independence, and I must admit that looks play a part as well. I would be lying to myself if I said that every little thing did not count because I am a very picky person. I feel like we all have that right to fantasize about our “perfect person” with high hopes of actually finding him or her one day. But we also have to realize that is not the world we live in. In turn, having high expectations or putting people on pedestals can often lead to problems down the road because people simply are not perfect. For example, my ex boyfriend and I broke up because I assumed that he should know why I was upset with him and what was going on in my head without me having to always spell it out, but I came to realize that he was not perfect nor a mind reader.” – CR
“I think that every girl at some point, even if she denies it, fantasizes about her Prince Charming, the incredibly handsome man with a great body, the guy who knows just what to say and when to say it to sweep you off your feet. However, the movie ends, the lights come on, and reality sets in. There is no one that is not flawed. Fantasizing is not wrong, but when it causes you to set unrealistic expectations about your future partner, that is when it can be a problem. Mr. Right on the other hand is what I think to be more realistic. Mr. Right is the dream guy “you truly want to be with and who fulfills your needs.” Although he is not perfect, you are willing to look beyond the imperfections.” – Prince Charming is not Mr. Right
“… My ex-boyfriend tells me he loves me, he can’t live without me, that I’m perfect, and all those things one wants to hear. But there are times when he gets mad and starts saying all of the things he doesn’t like about me…He not only says it in front of me but in front of our friends. The worst comes when he says, “The problem with you is that you are too sensitive.”…I guess I want someone who loves me for who I am, not someone who rubs my imperfections in my face every time he gets mad.” – Brigitte
“…I have been dating a guy for about 10 months, and we have moved past the ‘honeymoon’ phase. Yes, it is still exciting and we still have a great time together. But at this point we are now forming a relationship based on our day-to-day life. Our relationship has changed since we first started dating but not in a bad way. We are learning and growing together, the next step in our relationship. True love is what happens after the initial love has worn off.” – Katelyn
“…Once you find that dream partner it all boils down to whether they’re interested in you…For me it always seems like I find that guy who is just right for me, but it never works out because they don’t feel the same or they’re terrified of being in a relationship.” – Emily
“…I feel that many people are sure they know exactly what they are looking for in a partner, yet when they meet someone with the qualities they desire they are still unhappy. The person will probably attribute this unhappiness to the other person and how they are missing one key trait. But in reality the person has built up their dream partner in their imagination and someone that they could have had a great relationship with becomes incompatible. While I do think that a person should set standards and have qualities that they look for in a partner, they should not fantasize to the point where no one is ever going to be good enough. One has to merge expectations with reality.” – Victoria
“…If a person doesn’t have some sort of an idea of traits they want in a partner, then they will settle for anything. Sometimes being “picky” is better than being not picky enough. However, if we all try to look for our “dream” person, we may look too hard and there could be a potential mate that we pass up simply because they weren’t perfect. I agree that eventually, the “fantasy” of both your partner and falling in love will fade, and then it’s a choice of yours to continue to love that person for who they are, rather than some made up fantasy.” – Courtney
“… If I ever find my funny, outgoing, handsome, athletic, and respectful guy, I can’t deem him as my dream man. Not until I see his flaws that is. When figuring out fantasies or dream partners, no one thinks of the negatives of the person. That’s when they are set up for failure because we don’t think of the possible problems they could have…” – Do you dream about imperfections?
“I believe that we will never find that one person who is exactly what we have been looking for…After you get to know someone you start to point out things you don’t like about them, but sometimes the good things about that person might override their flaws. I have a friend that fell in love with the opposite (physically) person that she saw herself with, but she loved the way he was and although they disagree over a lot of things, their love is too strong for their differences to separate them…” – Kal
“…Mine (dream partner) would be somebody that has an appreciation for witty humor and can hold an intellectual conversation. This is not to say that I don’t look for physical attributes too; they are just lower on the list…” – Anonymous
“…They’ve got to be tall, dark hair that’s a buzz cut, athletic and handsome, but a type is different than someone who is perfect. If someone was perfect then there would never be a disagreement, and sometimes I just want to argue with someone and fight about something because at the end of the day you get over it, talk it out with the person and then learn more about them in the process. It also makes you a stronger match being able to get over a fight…”
– Anonymous
“…Everyone has flaws, and sometimes you don’t realize the worst flaws in a relationship until you’ve been screwed over. For instance, my sister had a boyfriend named David. David turned out to be a supremely talented womanizer, but my sister didn’t have a clue about it…They loved each other and were always together. It was a perfect example of the honeymoon phase.” – Tyler
“… Having someone that fits your major criteria but may lack on some other things can make you just as happy as the person that is perfect…Our perfect match is out there but he/she may not fulfill our wildest fantasies; they should just make us happy in the end.” – Anonymous
Thanks readers! Share your anecdotes and opinions below or e-mail me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
-Katie
Ken and Barbie, and the fantasy of it all
Posted by Katie Greenan / Monday, December 5th, 2011
What qualities does your dream partner possess? Are you in a relationship with him or her? I had a conversation last week with a friend who pointed out that he is in a relationship with his dream girl, which made me think…is she also his fantasy? Is there even a difference?
A fantasy is “the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.” Realistically speaking, the chance of finding one’s “fantasy” person—beautiful looks and perfect body—is minimal. You may prefer to leave your fantasies behind.
According the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a dream is “a visionary creation of the imagination; something notable for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality; and something that fully satisfies a wish.” With a little persistence and patience, it may be possible to partner up with your dream mate—a person with whom you truly want to be with and who fulfills your needs.
However, putting your dream girl or guy on a pedestal may be setting him or her up for failure, since we are all imperfect. And what happens when the glamour and perfections wear off and an ordinary person emerges who has bad hair days, gains a few pounds, says the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the inevitable—grows old.
Share your anecdotes and opinions below or e-mail me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
-Katie
Posted by Katie Greenan / Thursday, December 1st, 2011
Dec. 1, 2011
“I think Kristen Quackenbush was right when she said that communication and respect are some of the most important factors in a relationship. In the case of the boring date, it is clear that there was not good communication, whether it is a problem on one end or both. Good communication cannot work on a one-sided effort; it has to be a mutual effort. How a couple argues is also a true test to their communication. Arguments can be healthy in a relationship as long as each person communicates their points effectively. In this case, communication goes hand in hand with respect. If there is mutual respect, then there will be good communication. Name calling during a conflict is not only demonstrating the person’s inability to communicate effectively, but it also shows their lack of respect towards the other person.” – Mo
“Usually if you have to force conversation with someone then there isn’t that much chemistry to begin with. But you have to keep in mind sometimes that two people may be compatible, one may just be shy and their shyness could inhibit conversation. For me, I’m very shy in the beginning of relationships. It takes time for me to warm up to somebody and let my personality come out. So I think before you write somebody off as being incompatible with you it’s important to make sure you’ve given them enough time to see if there is chemistry.” – Turner
“This blog accurately covered the most important aspect in a relationship and that is communication…Conflict styles are very important in a relationship as you mentioned. Collaboration is the best option but not all people posses that style, unfortunately. The interview with Kristen Quackenbush covered topics such as communication in terms of speaking freely, mutual respect in every part of a relationship, and chemistry. When speaking of chemistry she mentions the “bite and sniff” concept which deals with that intense chemistry you feel for a person where all you want to do is “bite and sniff” them. This article was very helpful.” – V
Kristen Quackenbush is the Executive Director of Matchmaking for Master Matchmakers®. You can reach her at kristen@mastermatchmakers.com. Share your anecdotes and opinions below or e-mail me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
Posted by Katie Greenan / Monday, November 28th, 2011
Monday, Nov. 28, 2011
I consider myself to be a good conversationalist, but that was put to a test a few months ago on one of the most boring dates I’ve ever encountered. Listening to him reminded me of sitting in a very long statistics lecture in college. I might as well have skipped that one and just read the chapter. The lackluster conversation was a big indicator that a second date was out of the question. Being able to converse in a relationship is a prerequisite. Do you and your date talk to each other while dining at The Cheesecake Factory or do you find yourself staring at others and/or texting the majority of the time?
Another important factor in a relationship is how you argue. Do you withdraw, accommodate, negotiate, force, or collaborate when conflict arises? Knowing how you handle disagreements is crucial since it exists in every relationship. One of my exes called me a bitch during an argument and then stormed out of the room. (I should have run the other way right then and there.) He was defensive and angry and yelled it with passion. I told him to never call me that again or we were through. Further, he slammed and kicked doors on occasion. Clearly, his way to deal with conflict was to carry on like a child having a temper tantrum. Consequently, our arguments were rarely resolved.
Watch the video below where local and regional matchmaker Kristen Quackenbush talks relationship 101.
Share your anecdotes and opinions below or e-mail me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
-Katie Greenan
Posted by Katie Greenan / Monday, November 21st, 2011
A reader writes in…
Dear Little Red Book,
Everyone knows how a first date or even a second can be a stressful or even disastrous. During this time what should I do if someone hits on my date? How can I show some back bone and look intelligent without ruining the date? Personally, I would like to take the guy outside and teach him a lesson about respect, but doing this would make me look violent and dangerous. On the other hand, I could use my intelligence and verbally make him feel like an inferior man due to his lack of intelligence. Is there a correct way to respond to this situation? FML, 32
Matchmaker Kristen: First of all, shame on any loser that feels the need to hit on someone else’s date! It really just makes them look bad and how you handle the situation speaks volumes as well. You are absolutely correct that getting violent and “taking him outside” is not only unacceptable, but could land you in jail! It totally depends on the exact situation for your type of reaction, but in most cases, make a comment that is quick and to the point that gets the point across, but isn’t over the top. Also, make SURE you are not overanalyzing a look or a comment that is actually innocent in nature. Overreacting will make you look like a jealous fool—big red flag on a first date. If there is obvious ongoing, blatant flirting, you could say something like “seriously dude, you can’t get your own date?” and turn her attention back to you by starting a new conversation, or moving the two of you to another spot (like if you were standing at a bar) —giving the message that you two can’t and won’t be bothered by this loser. On a side note, if your date is initiating or encouraging the flirting, she is not respecting you and is not worth your time.
Little Red Book: Violence is an effective technique if you want to lose a date, so keep your temper in check. I’ve dated guys in the past who initiated arguments with men who stared at me or started a conversation. This unflattering behavior is not what I am looking for in a long-term mate and is egocentric. However, I experienced the opposite reaction which impressed me. Once when I was on a date, a total stranger approached me and asked me out. To which my date stated, “Excuse me, Katie and I were in the middle of a conversation, you interrupted us and it’s disrespectful to the lady. This stranger responded, “I’m talking to her!” After this type of comment, it would be common for many guys to default to their egos. However, my date looked directly at me and responded, “Let Katie decide if you talk to her. Katie, would you like this man to leave?” To which I emphatically exclaimed, “Yes!” The stranger left and never came back. You cannot control another person’s actions or words. Trust that your date is there to get to know you. And if she takes another guy up on his advances, let her go.
Share your anecdotes and opinions below or e-mail me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
-Katie
Posted by Katie Greenan / Thursday, November 17th, 2011
There comes a point in every romantic relationship – whether it’s a brief mention or a drawn out conversation – when you discuss your past sexual history with your partner. How many partners have you had? Have you had a one night stand, unprotected sex, or an STD? Some people are comfortable divulging details from an earlier period while others would rather keep mum. Should you reveal details in your little black, ahem…red…book? Check out what Matchmaker Kristen says about sharing information of this nature.
WomansDay.com and Sex Therapist Joy Davidson, PhD, provide a handful of tips when revealing your sexual history. For starters, be honest. If you have herpes, you need to disclose that information to your partner before jumping in the sack. Next, a detailed account of your experiences is unnecessary but so is exaggerating your past. Transparency is key but be delicate and sensitive to the other person’s feelings. Thirdly, numbers come with judgments; don’t get hung up on them. Dr. Davidson states that instead of focusing on the math, ask your partner what he or she learned from past experiences and would do differently next time. Finally, don’t brag about how skilled or fabulous your past lover was or how physically attracted you were to him or her. Instead, communicate what gets you going in the bedroom to make your partner a better lover.
On a side note, here is a reader’s response to Kristen’s comments earlier in the week concerning tried and true dating traditions, “Let the man call or text first after a date, especially if it is the first date. If your date spends even part of the evening responding to work e-mails or phone calls, take into account that this may not work. If he or she brags a lot, they may not have much else to say.” – Linda
Kristen Quackenbush is the Executive Director of Matchmaking for Master Matchmakers®. You can reach her at kristen@mastermatchmakers.com.
-Katie Greenan
Posted by Katie Greenan / Monday, November 14th, 2011
It’s Thursday morning at 9:15, and I find myself sitting in Caribou Coffee in Ashburn anticipating my first meeting with Kristen Quackenbush, a.k.a., head matchmaker for Master Matchmakers and LRB panelist. Kristen arrives in her skinny jeans and long blonde hair, grabs a cup to get her morning started and sits down with me for a two hour interview. We connected right away. For starters we’ve both traveled to Bermuda in the past few months. Secondly, her hometown and my favorite vacation destination are the same: Key West, Fla. And so our conversation started with sharing anecdotes about both islands. From there, we drifted between topics such as marriage and sex to dating trends to a few must haves in all relationships. Nothing was off limits. She’s the type of matchmaker anyone would want: refreshingly candid and open. And today we will begin with her take on a few dating traditions that still hold up today.
Kristen’s first given is that men always pay on the first date since she says it’s emasculating for women to dish out the dough. Further, he should pay for anything with a large dollar amount (i.e. going to Ruth’s Chris for a steak dinner). Her standard rule is that for every third big purchase that a guy makes, the woman should buy something. For example, if he takes you out to dinner three times in a row, ladies, bring over take out Chinese or a pizza to his apartment, grab him a coffee or take care of the bill at Potbelly.
When it comes to the woman asking a man out on a date, Kristen says go for it. Be flirtations but not desperate or stalker-like. If you’re talking about how you both love cappuccinos say, “Oh, we should get a cappuccino some time.” It’s natural and light, and lets the guy know you’re interested. Let him take it from there.
She’ll discuss whether or not it’s a good idea to share your sexual history with your partner and three must-have qualities that every relationship needs later in the week via video. Kristen Quackenbush is the Executive Director of Matchmaking for Master Matchmakers®. You can reach her at kristen@mastermatchmakers.com.
-Katie
Posted by Katie Greenan / Thursday, November 3rd, 2011
Earlier this week, Amanda, Dena and Maureen dished about sex and their relationships. They also shared their experiences about a topic that fuels arguments between many couples: money. All three women claim that their break ups forced them to adjust to new lifestyles.
Amanda still owns the house that she shared with her ex husband but is now responsible for his payment as well. She picked up two part-time jobs in addition to her full-time teaching position to make up the difference. She’s currently hoping to rent out her townhouse.
Dena sold the family home after her divorce since she couldn’t afford the payments on her salary. The only down side she says is that her two sons no longer have their bedrooms to escape to when they’re visiting since everyone is packed into her one bedroom apartment.
Maureen sold her car and moved into an efficiency. She walks to work and the grocery store and adheres to a strict budget. She spends $200 on food and $200 a month on her social life. In addition, $50 goes towards her phone bill and another $50 on monthly transportation. Last week she spent $14 at Whole Foods for a week’s worth of food. She keeps a running tally on her fridge and updates it daily.
I, too, have found myself in interesting situations. For example, one of my exes from long ago was extremely frugal. I bought his venti peppermint lattes, as well as his lunches and dinners, and contributed money towards most social events. When our relationship ended, I found myself saving money. In sharp contrast, another former boyfriend insisted on paying for almost everything, including dinners, cable and utilities, trips and drinks on Friday or Saturday evenings.
Not only are there obvious physical and emotional detachments after a breakup, but individuals can also face significant financial pitfalls and must adjust to new lifestyle changes. Should I get rid of cable? Buy a used car instead of new car? Skip my nail appointment this month and forgo that much anticipated latte? Amanda, Dena and Maureen have made those choices and are living within their means without many of the comforts of their previous lives.
Share your comments, anecdotes and questions with me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
-Katie
Posted by Katie Greenan / Monday, October 31st, 2011
Throughout my young life, I’ve met women from diverse backgrounds, whether they are single, separated, divorced or married. Although we are at different places in our personal relationships, the one topic that has always made for interesting conversation has been our sex lives.
Amanda dated her husband for two years before marrying him. By the time they said their “I dos,” the relationship was already over. She had emotionally cheated on her husband by sharing intimate conversations with another man, something she said she lacked in her six-month covenant. In fact, they didn’t even consummate the marriage. She said she “Got married for the wrong reason.” In Amanda’s mind, like so many others, the idea of marriage was too tempting—the husband, the house, the dog, the idea of children, and the lifestyle—all neatly wrapped in a wedding day. Happily single again, she steers clear of dating to give herself space. For her, dating leads to sex, and she claims that all objectivity is “out the window” after sex.
Dena says she, too, married for the wrong reason: sex. She’s on her second marriage and is currently separated from her husband. Her strong religious beliefs caused her to feel guilty when it came to sex outside of marriage. Unfortunately, for Dena there was no sexual connection with her second husband. Now in her 50s, she says sex is largely nonexistent—the longest drought since she lost her virginity at 16 years old.
Maureen met her husband in college and is now in her 30s. They went through the typical growing pains together in their 20s: the job transitions, relocating and the usual financial stressors that young people face. When it came to sex, her husband enjoyed watching pornography. She shared with us an embarrassing moment when she walked in on him watching porn. She said her heart broke since she was in the next room and willing to make love to him. She asked him, “What is it that they have that I don’t?” He didn’t have an answer. One day, to her shock, he asked for a divorce.
Cynthia chose to wait until marriage to have sex with her husband at age 39. As she phrased it, jumping from one sex partner to another was not an option since she believes casual sex can bring about numbing, desensitized feelings over time.
All the women agree that no matter how romantic the relationship, you can’t build a solid foundation around sex. It might diminish eventually. Then what? Don’t get me wrong; sex is good! But it’s only one part of a relationship. Getting to know your mate around his or her friends in varied environments and social situations allows you to see him or her in a different light. You have a small window of opportunity to decide if you want to hang out with that person long term.
Let me know your thoughts. Email me at littleredbook@northernvirginiamag.com.
–Katie
Posted by Katie Greenan / Thursday, October 27th, 2011
Earlier this week, I told you about Stan whose girlfriend betrayed him by having an active match.com profile during their relationship. Readers say they can relate to his story:
“In my experiences, social networking is the easiest and sneakiest way for people to cheat. One time I was on my boyfriend’s Facebook without him knowing, but I was doing harmless “creeping.” All of a sudden, a chat box popped up from a girl who was a mutual friend of ours. Before I could read it, there was a response from my boyfriend. He had been on his Facebook at the same time that I was, so I was sitting there reading their conversation without him knowing. Now, I wasn’t old enough to have been in a very serious relationship; therefore, their conversation didn’t really go past wanting to hangout and “party” together. However in my mind, that was still a form of cheating because he was going behind my back and talking to this girl. I was heartbroken. Although there was no physical contact (that I know of) or face-to-face conversation about the topic, I still consider that cheating because he went behind my back. I ended up calling him and telling him I was on his Facebook and saw the conversation, and he tried to play it off like it was nothing. Bad decision on his part; the relationship didn’t last long after that.” – Chat Box Cheating
“I would say having a profile on match.com is definitely cheating. People could argue that it’s a harmless social network but the name depicts other intentions. There is a big difference between Facebook and match.com. If she is seeing someone exclusively, there should be no need for her to have a profile on that website…It was definitely the right thing to do by telling your friend. I think the best kind of friendship is based on honesty and if you hid that kind of information, what kind of friend would you be?” – V
As far as the ending to this story, Stan read his girlfriend’s entire match.com profile to her over the phone, confronting the awkward situation head on. She denied actively searching for a date, but the tell-tale signs of her desire to stray were evident since every piece of information was up-to-date. For example, she had recently relocated to Falls Church from Arlington and included this in her profile. Her yearning to get a dog managed to find its way onto her page even though she always told Stan she was too afraid of dogs. Stan was heartbroken but ended up sticking it out, and to add insult to injury, he received a call from her two weeks later saying she had just returned home from having a dinner with another guy. The saying is true in this case, “If it smells fishy, it probably ain’t good.” Lesson learned: Don’t ignore the obvious red flags.
–Katie