Posts Tagged ‘seniors’
Additional Senior Deal Discoveries
Posted by The Editorial Desk / Friday, October 23rd, 2009
By Tiffany Peng
In our November issue, we detailed senior savings exclusive to Northern Virginia Magazine readers with proof of age. Continue below to check out where to score additional deals on dining, entertainment, travel and education for the 55-and-older crowd.
SHOPPING
On the first Tuesday of every month, seniors aged 55 and older who shop Senior Day at Belk department stores receive a 15-percent discount off their entire purchase. And every Tuesday, the same set gets a 10-percent discount at Ross stores (check for participating locations).
Other retailers don’t require shopping on a particular day. Examples: Goodwill gives seniors aged 55 and up a 20-percent discount on their entire purchase, excluding new items, daily. And, similarly, some Banana Republic locations offer a 10-percent discount to seniors aged 65 and older every day.
DINING
Some of the deals we discovered include the following: Arby’s (10 percent off for ages 55-plus), Burger King (10 percent off for ages 55-plus), Dairy Queen (10 percent off for ages 55-plus), Taco Bell (10 percent off for ages 65-plus), and McDonald’s (64 cents for coffee, iced tea or soft drinks for ages 55-plus). Again, due to a modern age of franchising, these discounts can vary depending on the location, so it’s best to call ahead of time to find out if a particular location is a participating one or not.
For those who prefer to sit and stay a while, Bob Evans restaurants offer seniors aged 55 and older a special senior menu that includes lower prices and smaller portions. Other chains that offer a special senior menu include Denny’s (for seniors 55-plus), IHOP (for seniors 55-plus) and Friendly’s (for seniors 60-plus).
Additionally, Old Country Buffett allows seniors aged 60 years or older to purchase a Senior Club Card for just $1, which grants seniors discounts on every adult buffet meal they purchase for one year. For those who do not wish to purchase the Senior Club Card at Old Country Buffet, every weekday from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., seniors 60 years or older receive a discounted adult buffet meal for only $5.99. Still more dining deals: AARP cardholders receive 20 percent off at Boston Market, and seniors aged 65 and older save 10 percent at Pizza Hut.
ENTERTAINMENT
Nearly all area movie theaters offer some form of a discounted movie ticket for seniors, including local, independently owned theaters. For instance, Cinema Arts Theatre in Fairfax offers Wednesday Senior Day, where seniors ages 60-plus can watch $4 movies.
If you enjoy catching live acts on the cheap, check out Wolf Trap. The performing arts park offers a senior citizen discount of 50 percent for in-house tickets for those adults ages 65-plus starting a half hour prior to performances (subject to availability).
Of course, it’s always good to get out and enjoy the great outdoors, too, and seniors 62-plus can purchase for a small price the America the Beautiful Senior Pass, which provides access to all U.S. National Parks and a 50-percent discount on some Expanded Amenity Fees on facilities and services such as camping and swimming. Go to http://www.nps.gov/fees_passes.htm for more information.
The Virginia Department of Recreation and Conservation offers a variety of discounted senior citizen passes for admission to Virginia state parks as well as for parking, boat launching and amenities, which include camping, park merchandise, equipment rental and shelter/amphitheater rentals. Additional information is available here: http://www.dcr.virginia.gov/.
TRAVEL
If you happen to live in the City of Alexandria and are at least 60 years old, you may want to pay attention to this. The City of Alexandria Department of the Aging offers seniors who live in Alexandria taxi services for only $2 to visit grocery stores and pharmacies within the Alexandria city borders. They will also take seniors to medical facilities in a radius of five miles outside of the city (excluding Lorton, Woodbridge, D.C. and MD) for only $2.50. Call 703-836-1840 the DAY BEFORE to make a reservation or to apply. Office hours are Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. (closed on weekends and holidays).
Elsewhere, the Seniors-On-The-Go! taxi program is available through the Fairfax County Department of Transportation. Seniors who are at least 65 years old and meet certain income criteria can participate in this program, which includes taxi coupon booklets that are worth $33, but only cost $20. If you apply and are eligible, you may purchase up to $528 worth of booklets a year with an actual cost of only $320 per year. (Residents of the City of Alexandria and the City of Falls Church are not eligible).
EDUCATION
Thinking about taking some classes but don’t want the headache of homework and exams? The Osher Lifetime Learning Institute (OLLI) at George Mason University offers daytime classes, lectures and special events led by qualified OLLI members and teachers from George Mason University. Classes meet for 90 minutes from 9:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. on weekdays for four terms—a total of 26 weeks per year—at locations in Fairfax, Reston and Sterling. OLLI members are entitled to a George Mason photo ID card and with it can enjoy many campus privileges. Aside from class, OLLI also offers various social and volunteer activities.
The annual fee is $350 for membership at all three sites and $150 for a Loudoun-only membership. There is also an introductory rate of $150 for one term.
(November 2009)
Posted by The Editorial Desk / Thursday, August 20th, 2009
Jammed between two caretaker roles, the Sandwich Generation tries not to spread itself too thin
By Tracey Meloni / Photography by Jonathan Timmes
Kathleen jumpstarts her day with a 5 a.m. run, her personal stress-management prescription. At 6:25 a.m. the 46-year-old is mobilizing kids for school, organizing her workday and making certain Jacques’ Alzheimer-related needs are covered. She has a driving and errand helper three days a week, but not until 5 p.m. Kathleen meets school buses, cheers the kids on at soccer practice, makes dinner, does laundry and manages the family company books in the evening. “I get to bed when I can,” she says.
Kathleen is a member of the Sandwich Generation, a term Merriam-Webster officially added to the dictionary in July 2006. Originally intended to describe those simultaneously caring for children and parents, the sandwich definitions have expanded. There’s the more familiar “club sandwich” generation, caring for grown children and grandchildren, or perhaps grandparents, parents and children. Lesser known is the “open-faced sandwich” caregiver, often caught completely off guard.
Kathleen and Jacques
Open-Faced Sandwich
Kathleen Lockhart credits her pre-dawn run with “keeping me sane.” Daughters Maddy, 13, and Jillian, 8, come next, then she must tackle what they all know is “the Alzheimer’s elephant.” The once-athletic Jacques Benjoar enjoys his daily walks, but misses the softball team he played with for years, and avid golfing has been replaced by occasional trips to the driving range. Jacques doesn’t drive a car anymore, nor can he perform household tasks involving tools and ladders.
He is not Kathleen’s father—he is her husband, diagnosed with Young Onset Alzheimer’s disease.
“I have been progressively becoming a caregiver for two years,” Kathleen says. “My husband is not [yet] 55 and has been showing symptoms since he was 53. The level of things that I do for him, and in turn for the kids since he used to do for/with them has very slowly increased. I guess I’m just now considering myself a caregiver.”
Kathleen, too, looks for the upside, and being more connected to her family is one reward. “I now know everything going on, where he used to be that guy.” On the flip side, Kathleen finds “I can’t ever turn my brain off. I have to constantly be ahead of what’s coming next and be prepared. It’s hard staying in today without getting overwhelmed with prep and projections for tomorrow.”
Kathleen’s brothers-in-law and their kids provide respite. “I don’t call on them too often but when I do it’s a great break to know I can leave for a day or two and leave it all in their capable hands.”
Libby and Jacqui
Traditional Sandwich
Elegant and impeccably dressed, 87-year-old Jacqui maintains her independence and enjoys many varied interests thanks to her daughter, Libby Anne Russler, 53, of Falls Church. Like her mother, Russler manages life’s unexpected surprises with a wry sense of humor and strong appreciation for life.
“Mom has arthritis and uses a walker, but she has no ‘diagnosis’ apart from being 87,” says Russler. “She moved to Northwest D.C. after my Dad died in 1985 and has remained very active, but she does need some help.” Russler is raising a 5-year-old son and says she has challenging moments “when I am solo, and each one needs me, one in Fairfax, one in N.W.” Being the family communication coordinator for three sisters also can be challenging.
Libby’s best help comes from the agency Home Instead Senior Care, which provides a wide range of services to seniors wishing and able to remain in their own homes. In the case of Russler’s mother, Home Instead visits three times each week (more when Jacqui has an accident or medical problem), providing help with groceries, driving to doctors’ appointments, household tasks, cooking and companionship. The agency “takes a burden off me, and keeps Mom from being alone.”
Russler keeps herself positive through modern technology. “I play solitaire on my computer and surf the web for research, entertainment and connection. The DVR allows me to watch ‘my’ shows when I can.”
“Bridging the space between preschool and Elderhostel, taking wisdom from one to another” is another plus, she says. Sharing the antics of the young and hearing the older one laugh also keep her smiling.
amily photographs of Heather Davies, of Annandale, and her mother, Peggy Stone.
Becoming an Advocate
While she prefers to stay out of the spotlight, Heather Davies, 45, of Annandale, believes so strongly in the value of Fairfax County’s Adult Day Health Care Programs that she felt compelled to present testimony before the Human Services Commission when budget cuts loomed. Davies, married and the mother of three sons aged 8, 10 and 14, has cared for her 82-year-old mother, Peggy Stone, for 12 years. Stone, who suffers from dementia, attends the Braddock Glen Center five days a week.
“I have examined 17 different care settings over the last 12 years,” Davies says. “I have been serially disappointed by the care provided. Imagine paying $60,000 a year for assisted living and still finding that you have to spend at least four hours a week there to do the showering, room cleaning and putting away of clothes yourself.”
By contrast, the Fairfax County Adult Day Health Care program “has been a God-send, an answered prayer. We supplement this with private care for late afternoons and weekends, for a total monthly cost of $4,500. The quality that this program delivers to our seniors is at least on par with that which Fairfax County Schools gives to our children. It is a national model and it needs to be expanded, not dismantled.”
Heather and fellow champions of the adult day care centers “have stepped up to the plate,” says Doris Ray, advocacy and outreach coordinator with ENDependence Center of Northern Virginia, a community-based resource center managed by and for people with disabilities. Davies and a group of other families with loved ones at Braddock Glenn have pledged money to keep adult day care centers open.
Paradigm Shift
Raising a 3-year-old son while caring for a husband with frontotemporal dementia may not seem like a formula for positive thinking, but Herndon resident Lee B., 44, is determined to make things as upbeat as possible. Her husband was diagnosed in September 2006. Lee also has a 10-year-old daughter and says, “I think I manage [to stay positive] because I have committed to taking good care of myself, and I am living in the here and now in a way I never have in my life before … it’s a true paradigm shift. “
Lee attends monthly meetings of the Alzheimer’s and Related Dementias Association. “The support group is a bittersweet experience. I come away grateful that my husband is likely less disabled at this point than the loved ones of the other caregivers attending the group; it’s important to be grateful, and I am,” Lee says. “The downside is that I get an over-the-horizon view of what is coming.”
“I can’t teach my kids how to be happy in spite of their dad’s illness and all its devastation unless I model that for them. My husband lacks insight into his impairment and the impact it has on our family, so it’s very isolating and lonely. The foregoing strategies for coping were borne of the need to survive emotionally,” she adds.
She hires babysitters to come to the house when needed. “I tell them that their job is to be the 911 person.”
What Care, When and Where?
Sharon Lynn, assistant director of the Fairfax Area Agency on Aging, cautions that sandwich caregivers face a constant balancing act. “You’re always balancing the needs of children, work, home and care giving.”
Lynn urges caregivers to appreciate the rewards, saying this becomes a time when “the relationship between adult child and parent becomes more intimate than they may have had for years. It’s a time to give back. And it’s possible that you are instilling a sense of family in your children.”
In many families, one child carries more of the caregiving load. “The loss is to the child/children not there,” Lynn points out.
Should the person needing care live with the caregiver? Each case is unique. “In some situations the tension of living in would be too great, perhaps if there were small children,” says Lynn, urging caregivers to “promote as much independence as possible,” whether that involves the aging parent’s own apartment, day care, an assisted living facility or living in.
When is it time to consider more care for your relative?
“When the caregiver is no longer able to safely provide needed care, or when more skilled care is needed than can be accomplished,” Lynn says. She adds that cost may also be a consideration and may become a burden on the caregiver, but stresses that safety should always take priority.
Lynn urges consulting the Long-Term Care Ombudsman program before selecting a care facility. The Ombudsman assists the consumer in making an informed decision about long-term care providers (nursing facilities, assisted living facilities, adult day programs and home care agencies) by offering information regarding providers’ available services, the complaint track record, Virginia Department of Health Licensure Inspection Survey Reports, checklists of typical questions concerning placement and what to expect from the admissions process.
Care for the Caregiver
Lynn prompts caregivers to build self-care into their schedules as an important part of the balancing act.
She names exercise and a day out with a friend as ways the caregiver can take the time to put themselves first. “The caregiver needs to be confident that the respite care provided to the patient is safe and reliable.” Lynn says the care could be adult day care. In cases of a longer absence by the caregiver, such as a hospital stay or time away, “many facilities permit short-term stays for the aging parent.”
Brenda Clarkson, executive director of the Virginia Association for Hospices, agrees. “So often family members put the needs of the hospice patients at the top of their list when in reality the caregiver should take care of him/ herself first in order to provide optimal service to the hospice patient.”
Olivia Mellan, a D.C.-based psychotherapist, money coach and business consultant, was the keynote speaker at Fairfax County’s 2007 symposium, “Mothering Our Mothers, Mothering Ourselves.” Her message to caregivers is clear: “Put yourselves on the radar screen—make sure your emotional bank account is not empty.”
Smart Sandwich Building
1 Build in Respite: Caregivers need regular recharge time.
2 Routine is Important: Seniors in care don’t take well to abrupt change
3 Honor Thy Father: Adult kids will always be “kids” no matter what they accomplish or how much they are in charge.
4 Maintain Independence: Empower the person in care as much as possible.
5 Talk Money and Planning: Find out about resources, power of attorney, living wills and medical directives.
6 Long-Term Care Insurance: Learn from care giving experience and look into long-term care coverage.
7 Stay Fit: If exercise is not the respite plan, make it another outlet.
Resources
The Fairfax Area Agency on Aging supports caregivers of older adults in a number of ways. Twice a year they sponsor caregiving seminars; see www.fairfaxcounty.gov/aaa for the current schedule.
E-newsletter for caregivers
www.fairfaxcounty.gov/aaa/cconline.htm
Brochure
www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/pdf/adultaging/aaabrochure_eng.pdf
ElderLink care management program
www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/pdf/elderlink_card.pdf
Services for caregivers
www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/webdocs/adults/caregiver_resources
Fairfax County is currently implementing the 50+ Action Plan
www.fairfaxcounty.gov/olderadults/plan.htm, a countywide plan to ensure that Fairfax County is “aging-friendly.”
Other Agencies on Aging:
Alexandria: 703-838-0920
Arlington area: 703-228-1700
Fairfax area: 703-324-5411
Loudoun area: 703-777-0257
Prince William area: 703-792-6400
Northern Virginia Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program (Serving Alexandria, and the counties of Arlington, Fairfax, Loudoun and Prince William through Area Agencies on Aging): 703-324-5861
(August 2009)
Achieving True Happiness in Retirement
Posted by The Editorial Desk / Thursday, March 19th, 2009
Area Seniors Share Tips
By Natalie Kaar
If you think that retirement from work means retiring from truly living life, think again. Recently, I had the sincere pleasure of discovering the fact that retirement can actually mean quite the opposite. How did I do this? I got it straight from nearly 20 retirees themselves, seniors ranging in age from the upper 60s to the upper 90s who reside at the following area retirement communities: Alexander Heights, a just over 2-year-old community in Fredericksburg, featuring luxury apartments for seniors aged 62 and up; Ashby Ponds, an Erickson full-service retirement community, which opened in Ashburn just last September; The Jefferson, an elegant full-service Sunrise Senior Living community located in the heart of Ballston; Potomac Place, a charming residential and assisted-living community in Woodbridge; and The Virginian, a scenic continuing-care retirement community nestled in Fairfax.
In fact, what I’ve learned is that with the blessing of good health, proper planning and some solid advice from current retirees—detailed on the following pages—retirement can be seen as an exciting new beginning, or as Betty Lindquist, a retired nurse, active volunteer and resident of The Jefferson explained, retirement can equal “the continuity of a wonderful life.”
After all, to begin with, as many seniors declared, the perks of retirement are numerous. The biggie was often described in one word: freedom, or the ability to do what you want when you want to do it. For some, like former office manager Peggy Komar of Alexander Heights, or former telephone company supervisor Wesley Hignett of Potomac Place, such freedom includes the luxury of sleeping in. And, for many, including Komar and Hignett, freedom also equals the opportunity to spend more time with family. For others, it’s also the chance to travel to places they’ve always dreamed of going; such is the case for Shirley Mackey, former social worker, and her husband John, a retired Marine, of Alexander Heights. What’s more, many others pointed to the chance to meet and share experiences with people from all different backgrounds as a prime source of pleasure.
Yet, these perks only begin to explain what keeps folks truly happy in retirement according to seniors in the know. When I asked some of these fascinating retirees—everyone from a former editorial assistant and convention planner (Kay Watson, who lives at The Jefferson with her husband Don) to a former general manager of Woodward & Lothrop and Burberry stores (Bill Sharpe, who lives at Ashby Ponds with his wife Mary) to a retired public relations executive (Charlotte Lusk of The Virginian), a former supervisor for labor standards (Leona Bogdanski of Potomac Place) and over a dozen others—to share a few key tips for achieving happiness in retirement, some of the advice they had to offer was priceless.
First, the most popular advice:
Keep busy, try lots of activities and have lots of hobbies. In other words, keep your mind and body active. Realize that you have time and use it. Potomac Place resident E.F. Covin, a former post office and insurance worker says he keeps busy bowling, fishing—and chasing girls. Meanwhile, one his neighbors, Charlotte Mulcahy, a former government worker, enjoys painting and sewing. Other seniors I spoke with, such as Lusk, spend time enjoying the wonder of the outdoors and reading good books, or, like Watson, adore stamp collecting. And, then there are those like Sharpe, the former retail GM mentioned earlier—twice retired before finally leaving the industry in 2001—who spends a lot of time in the gym. He told me he logs about 45 minutes to an hour daily in the fitness center at Ashby Ponds.
Socialize with others. Take a cue from Lindquist; the president of the gardening club and regular visitor to those with Alzheimer’s or recovering from surgery at The Jefferson also enjoys such social activities as “Manicures & Martinis” events on Mondays and Wednesday night “Meet Your Neighbor” socials. Or make like one of her neighbors, such as Glory Sabatier, a former 30-year volunteer at Arlington Hospital, who enjoys playing bingo and other games with fellow residents. Then again, you could follow the example of the Watsons, who interact with their neighbors through activities like the embroidery club and computer club, which Don started.
Socializing is undoubtedly easy at retirement communities, where group activities abound. Gayna Dunsmore lives with her husband Emmett at the new Ashby Ponds community. The former grocery clerk and current volunteer at Ronald McDonald House remarked, “We’ve met so many friends already, and we’re just getting started.”
Get as close to your family as possible. Senior after senior recommended moving close to those one loves most. However, as Dale Anderson who lives at Alexander Heights with his wife Dot advised, it’s also important to remember that it’s not all about you. He cautions: Don’t interfere with your kids’ lives too much.
Don’t wait too long to think about retirement and joining a retirement community. Join one while you can still make your own decisions and enjoy all of the fun and opportunities for socialization that a retirement community provides. Recommended just about as often as moving close to family, keeping busy and socializing, was the importance of not putting off retirement decisions for too long. After all, many of the retirees I talked with had learned from friends’ mistakes.
Give of yourself; give back to others for the life you’ve had. Take it from former ESL teacher Geraldine “Gerry” Guess of Ashby Ponds, who recalled taking a college course on the pursuit of happiness during which she discovered that research points to thinking of others/giving back as the most important factor to achieving happiness.
For additional information on the subject, Guess recommends the book “Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment,” by Martin Seligman.
Other important tips:
» Keep in mind that things will continue to change; go with the flow a bit. As for not being willing to change: “That’s not what life’s about.” –Bobby Lewis, Alexander Heights
» Save up enough money so that you will be able to do what you want when you want to do it. –The Andersons, Alexander Heights
» Realize that entering a retirement community can actually save you money and prevent you from spending all of your time taking care of chores. –Guess, Ashby Ponds
» “Accept what you’ve got and do what you can with it.” –Covin, Potomac Place
» Maintain a good attitude. –Hignett, Potomac Place
» Do your best to maintain or improve your health. “Don’t get sick.” –William Walsh, Potomac Place
» Relax and enjoy your surroundings. –Bogdanski, Potomac Place
» Have regular meals; maintain some kind of routine, some kind of predictability. –Shirley Mackey, Alexander Heights
» Accept the fact that you will live in a retirement community eventually … live by the rules, participate. –Sabatier, The Jefferson
» Find a place where you really want to live, a place that feels like home and allows you to easily meet people. –Lynn Thompson, Alexander Heights
» Nourish your faith. –Hignett, Potomac Place
» And, finally, it’s important to want to retire, versus being forced to retire. –Dale Anderson, Alexander Heights
Now, hear this…
Is your hearing keeping you in isolation? Hearing issues should not prevent you from enjoying time with your family and friends. According to Carol Hudner, an audiologist at Otolaryngology Associates, if you’re concerned about your hearing, you may want to take a quick test by answering the following questions:
» Do people seem to mumble or speak in a softer voice than they used to?
» Do you feel tired or irritable after a long conversation?
» Do you often need to turn up the volume on the TV or radio?
» Do you have trouble hearing your doorbell or telephone ring?
» Is it hard to follow a conversation when you are in a crowded restaurant?
» Do family members suggest you get your hearing tested?
If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, you should consider a hearing evaluation. To schedule one at Otolaryngology Associates, call 703-968-9087 for the Centreville office; 703-573-7606 for the Fairfax office; and 703-834-2907 for the Reston office.
(March 2009)
Posted by The Editorial Desk / Thursday, February 5th, 2009
For some seniors, falling in love again also means fanning a few fires
By Renee Sklarew / Photography by Jonathan Timmes
It was New Year’s Eve 2007, and George Moore was celebrating his birthday at the stroke of midnight. He always enjoyed having a birthday on New Year’s Day. It fit his personality: life of the party, the entertainer. This night was different though; he didn’t know many people, so he sat in the back of the room and planned to leave if he became bored.
That was the moment he spied Millie Yatron. They started talking and when the clock struck 12, he kissed her. “That was the beginning,” she says. They have been dating ever since. When asked why Millie let a stranger kiss her, she says, “It was his birthday, it was New Year’s Eve. I didn’t have a choice.”
Millie, 79, and George, 85, are residents at the Heatherwood Retirement Community in Burke. They are both widowed from long-term marriages. George was married 60 years, and Millie for 54 years. Both have grown children and grandchildren. Neither was yearning to have a relationship, but together they enthusiastically discuss politics, news, books and family. “We talk with each other about things we would never tell anyone else,” George says.
George’s sons are supportive of his new love. Regardless, he says it’s his decision to live the life he chooses, and no one else’s business. Millie is more timid about announcing the relationship to her family. Her daughter, Theana Kasten, a professor at George Mason University, has welcomed George into the family and includes him in travel plans and holidays. But Millie hasn’t mentioned her new relationship to her son yet, and isn’t sure she can. “I’m afraid my son has a difficult time accepting things,” she explains.
The couple faces other challenges, too. George is still active, swimming and lifting weights a few times each week. He walks regularly and watches his weight closely. He believes that once you stop being active, “you can’t get your engine going.” Millie, on the other hand, says she doesn’t eat well and doesn’t exercise.
George and Millie also endure the challenge of being a subject of gossip in their small community. “We’re not doing anything we’re ashamed of, so who cares?” George says.
Millie was a high-school English teacher, and her husband was a member of Congress. Both Millie and George had travelled extensively with their spouses. The couple hasn’t gone on any cruises together, something they both liked to do when they were married. That would require Millie to tell her son about George, and she doesn’t plan to do that anytime soon. They do go out to dinner frequently. Despite their challenges, both wish to continue their relationship, and say it’s very satisfying having a companion.
Love is the Word
Ardo Meyer was a dashing bachelor when he moved next door to Willa Mae. She worked at the CIA, was married and had two children. Willa Mae and her husband befriended Ardo, a geophysicist with the Air Force. Kids in their neighborhood, including Willa Mae’s children, would hang on Ardo’s words, a world traveler who spent years assigned to research studies at the North Pole and Antarctica. While Ardo was stationed in Europe, Willa Mae and her husband divorced. When he returned to the States, Ardo contacted Willa Mae and asked her out. Eventually, she agreed to marry again.
Willa Mae, 88, was born and raised in Arlington. Her children were supportive of their mother’s decision to marry Ardo, who is nine years younger. On their wedding day in 1960, Ardo became a husband, a father and a grandfather. Willa Mae says, “My ex-husband was unhappy at first, but my children stood up for us at the wedding.” Her daughter and son were in their 20s, and her daughter had a toddler. Forty-eight years later, Ardo considers them his children. The couple share great pride in their grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. Willa Mae has photos of them on her bag that is attached to her walker.
Ardo, 79, remains active and retains his sharp mind and abundant energy. He conducts a monthly program called “Ardo Speaks,” which entertains residents of Heatherwood Retirement Community with slide shows of his travels and stories of his childhood on a Nebraska farm. He serves as the president of the Resident Council and keeps healthy by walking, shopping and helping Willa Mae to get around. He also works as a volunteer and mentor at Kings Park Elementary School. “I tell them about my life when I was their age, attending class in a one-room schoolhouse. I was the only one in my whole class. It blows their mind!” Ardo laughs. He sits in the rocking chair in the classroom and has them read to him. “It’s the most rewarding and satisfying thing I do.”
Willa Mae is passionate about her crafts, and the couple has turned one of their bedrooms into her activities room. She is an expert at cross-stitching and has created versions of the Washington monuments in her handiwork displayed throughout their apartment. Their activities have kept this couple mentally healthy and feeling invigorated, even if they struggle from some physical limitations.
They are also devoted to one another. “Every anniversary I send her four dozen roses, for each of the decades we spent together,” Ardo pronounces.
Willa Mae’s advice to other couples seeking happiness in their aging years is to “simply love and show understanding.” Ardo agrees but adds, “Be optimistic, and keep looking forward to the future.”
Concessions and Collaborations
Joyce Bader had been in an unhappy marriage and was focused on creating a thriving consulting practice. She started chairing a volunteer committee for United Way. At the time, she was not seeking a relationship, but she recognized something special in Tom Endres, a fellow volunteer. The two became acquainted working side by side. Tom had married young and had two college-age sons. He and his wife had grown apart over the years, and were considering divorce. At the time, Tom was the sole breadwinner in his family, and he admired Joyce’s independence and professionalism.
“I never imagined myself as a divorced male in America. My parents weren’t always happy together, but they believed people should grin and bear it,” Tom recounts. Still, he felt he was entitled to make his own life decisions and eventually obtained a divorce.
After their divorces, Joyce, 57, asked Tom, 65, to lunch. They began dating, but Joyce was wary. She knew they had big challenges to overcome. He had grown children and was approaching the end of his child-rearing years. She desperately wanted children of her own. After four years, they got engaged. Two months later, Tom was offered a position in Washington, D.C. It was an ideal job, and he wanted to relocate. Moving was not in Joyce’s plans. “I had a successful business, many friends and was very happy. I had gotten my life nearly perfected,” Joyce says.
“The challenges were many, but I really cared about him and wanted him to have the job he wanted,” she says. “Tom also committed to having a child. We both gave and got in good ways.”
Joyce’s sister, Ellyn Bader, a couples therapist, says her family supported Joyce’s marriage to Tom and attended the wedding. Ellyn knew Joyce had been miserable in her first marriage, and she was happy for her. However, Ellyn cautioned her sister to make sure Tom really was comfortable starting another family before they took their vows.
Tom says he told his sons, “The divorce had nothing to do with them. I told them their job was to take care of themselves, and they didn’t have to take care of their mother or me. Whatever they needed, they could count on their mother or me providing.” He suggested the boys seek counseling to help them through the transition. “They were both incredibly gracious,” Joyce says. “It wasn’t easy for them, but they were not obstructive. They were becoming independent themselves at that time, too.”
Blended families have all different types of norms. In Tom and Joyce’s relationship, they learned to share their feelings openly.
Tom articulates, “The families we came from operated very differently.” Joyce continues, “In the beginning, I didn’t really get that I was a foreign agent and didn’t operate like their mother did. But I remember one of Tom’s sons told me long after we were married, ‘I was prepared for the evil stepmother, and you’ve never been that.’”
Joyce explains another challenge: having to unload two houses and one office, plus find a new home in the Metro D.C. area. “Unraveling the physical baggage is sometimes as complicated as unraveling the emotional baggage.”
The couple tried to have a child for several years, but then decided to adopt. Tom and Joyce individually sought counseling at the end of their earlier marriages. Now they believe they are more resilient and better prepared for what comes along. They say counseling after a divorce keeps a couple from repeating their former bad patterns.
“We had a high awareness of how we contributed to failure in our marriages. That allowed us to talk about what we didn’t want to do again. We are 10,000 times better at marriage this time,” Joyce explains.
Tom agrees. “You need to take care of yourself. Tell your spouse what you want.”
(December 2008)
