The Helpful Groom

How the other half of the bridal couple can get involved

By Elizabeth Weiss McGolerick

Once placed on the finger, the engagement ring conjures a true sense of wonder and magic, as the bride thinks to herself: “I wonder how I’m magically going to plan this wedding all by myself?” And while she may look like she’s got it all together, that she knows exactly what to do and when to do it, chances are she doesn’t want to do it alone.

Sure, bridesmaids help, so do moms, sisters, aunts and friends. Yes, “it’s the bride’s special day.” But wait … who exactly is getting married if not a bride and a groom? After all, it’s one of the biggest days of his life, too. So how can an overwhelmed groom, who might feel a little ignored, figure out how to help his bride? Experienced Northern Virginia wedding planners have some suggestions.

How to Get Started
“Every groom should express his interests in the overall theme for the wedding, and the couple should come up with a unifying concept together. That will help bring out his other ideas,” said Meredith S. Tomasulo, a professional wedding planner with Elegant Engagements. A bride could be imagining an intimate garden ceremony while the groom might be thinking Hawaiian luau. Both the groom’s and bride’s visions of their wedding day are equally important, as is determining just whose thoughts are going to come to fruition and whose will remain a fantasy. Tomasulo, who has been planning weddings for seven years, said, “I like to work with couples to find out what is important to them, then offer suggestions to make the wedding special and unique.”

Financial discussions, too, ought to be had by both the bride and the groom. “Sometimes all the grooms are looking at is the bottom line and all the bride is looking at is the dream,” shared Carol Marino, wedding planner and designer for A Perfect Wedding in Fairfax. To meet in the middle, Sagewood Weddings in Alexandria advised that couples discuss expenses and the particulars of who will contribute to the cost of the day. Couples need to know if financial assistance comes with stipulations about who makes the wedding decisions.

On the Job
The groom has plenty of obligations when it comes to his wedding, but what he believes is important and what the bride believes is important may differ. According to Tomasulo, 31, the groom should offer suggestions, make it known if he wants something specific, help the bride when asked, and, most of all, show that he cares about marrying the woman of his dreams.

“I also think planning the honeymoon is still a priority [for the groom],” Tomasulo said.

Both wedding planners agreed that men often show the most interest in music and food choices. “Grooms would really surprise brides if they would take care of their personal wedding attire, renting tuxes and making sure all groomsmen have been measured and fitted,” said Marino, 53. More often than not, it’s the little things that count.

“The best thing a bride has done was to talk frankly with her groom about what wedding decisions he would like to be consulted on—some, all or none,” said Marino, who has worked on almost 500 weddings throughout the area. By knowing what to expect from each other at the start, and respecting those choices (within reason), couples can save each other from unnecessary squabbles down the road. Brides and grooms should make a plan of what they will each do—together and separately—to make their wedding day a reality.

Beyond Bridal
Not surprisingly, wedding planners believe the most important things a groom can do for his bride don’t always involve the actual planning of the wedding itself. “The groom can listen to his bride talk—all the time—about their wedding,” said Marino. “The groom’s biggest job is to show he cares about the wedding and to keep his bride calm and happy by offering her a sounding board and support,” even if that means humoring her worries about colors, shoes or favor boxes.

“Send a note when you are six months away from the wedding saying you can’t wait to marry her,” Tomasulo suggested. “If she mentioned something she really wants but isn’t sure what it costs or if it’s feasible, call the wedding planner and tell her. One of my grooms had me get dozens of purple rose petals to sprinkle on the church aisle as a surprise to his bride—she thought the cost was something they should cut out.”
Sagewood also imparts some words of wisdom for the wedding day, stressing the importance of brushing aside any trivial issues. “Focus on your ravishing bride and enjoy the company of loved ones there for you.” And, ideally, those sociable groomsmen will look out for the groom and avoid any unnecessary revelry the night before the wedding.

Grooming the Groom for Planning
Sagewood Weddings offers the following tips for flippant fiances:
Don’t procrastinate.
Choose ushers who are personable and can get the job done.
Present a unified front with your bride when working with vendors, friends and family.
Be open-minded.
“A wedding is a celebration. It is a great opportunity to be creative and unique,”
Sagewood advised. “You don’t have to use anyone else’s formula.”

Resources
A Perfect Wedding Fairfax; 703-691-0133; www.aperfectwed.com
Elegant Engagements Serving the D.C. Metro region; 703-819-5808; www.elegantengagements.com
Sagewood Weddings Alexandria; www.sagewoodweddings.com

(June/July 2007)

Tags: groom, wedding