Candy Criticism

Out just in time for Halloween, here is a sample of Zagat’s newest product launch, with its signature quotation-based commentary: Candy Reviews.

When Google acquired the survey-compiled reviewing platform, Zagat, the click-hungry company expanded its food focus. Out just in time for Halloween, here is a sample of Zagat’s newest product launch, with its signature quotation-based commentary: Candy Reviews*.

By Stefanie Gans, Katerina Patin & Jennie Tai

Photo by Mike Ramm

Twix
A “cataclysmic” collision “spawning” an “otherwordly crunch” that “knocks” you to “Mars.” With an “aerated cinderblock” base, comforted by a “quilted blanket” of “caramel,” this “knobby” stick reverberates joy.

Skittles
What a “marvelous treat” to find a “rainbow” of “fruit-like” “orbs.” The “sticky” “confection” tastes “oddly similar” whether you “pick a ‘strawberry, ‘lemon,’ or ‘grape’” “coin with” the mark of the “S.”.

Reese’s Cup
A “whiff” of the “nutilicious” “crown jewel” of the “highly competitive” Halloween business will bring a “rush of unstoppable saliva” to your mouth. This “ridged cup” consummates the “star-crossed lovers,” chocolate and peanut butter.

Dots
A “mouth wash aura” springs to mind when these “chewy thimbles” “seal your jaw” together. Both “sickly sweet” and “magically juicy,” DOTS conjure “nostalgic pangs” for “simpler times.”

Kit Kat
This “chocolate product” brings a “tender crunch” with “airy waffers” “lovingly stacked” between more “faux chocolate” slim layers. This classic “feline friendly” “kitty cat snack” will bring a “toothy smile” to your neighbors’ “kiddies.”

Snickers
Peanuts “enrobed” in “chocolate” and “sophisticated caramel,” promote Snickers to the “executive-level” of the “candy” store aisle. In one word: “approachable” and “outlandish.”

Nerds
“Exotic” in its “snap and crackle,” this “brainy” “pebble” of “sheer, sugary joy,” shatters into a “sandy” texture on your “slippery tongue.” Unleashing a “genius” combination of “dextrose and corn syrup,” this “geek-tastic” “old-school” candy is colored to a euphoric “shade” of “yellow #5.”

Whoppers
With an “eggshell crunch,” these “ironically malted” spheres bring an “epic crunch” loud enough to earn a “Shhh” from “your companion” at the movie theater. Whoppers “promise” a “factory-fresh” “chocolate-like mouthfeel.”

 

*Just kidding, reviews are based on tastings by the NoVa Mag Food Desk.

 

(October 2012)

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