If your loved one was one of the approximately 1.7 million people diagnosed with cancer in 2018, you may be wondering how to best offer support. Northern Virginia Magazine spoke with Elizabeth Glidden, an American Cancer Society patient navigator at the George Washington University Cancer Center, to get her suggestions.
Ask how they would like to be helped. “Caregiving is a tough job; patients may be having a good day or bad day,” she says. “So it’s a fine line: you don’t want to be a helicopter caregiver. It’s important to check in, but not every day; patients often don’t need help. Asking questions like, ‘How would you like help today?’ The task might seem easy—‘My dry cleaning needs to be picked up’—but it might be a huge help.”
Be the second set of eyes and ears in appointments. “Patients should not be alone at a doctor’s appointment. There’s so much info that it’s critical to be the one taking notes. People cannot retain all that information.”
Ask treatment providers what support staff they offer. “Ask, ‘Does your facility have a social worker or a patient navigator for us to connect with?’” Glidden says. Also ask for other support services like dieticians. Glidden also reminds patients and caregivers they can call the ACS Hotline: 1-800-227-2345.
Let the patient have bad days. “Crying is good. Anger, frustration is normal. Be on the lookout those moments aren’t everyday—if so, you can help them find a therapist.” And, remember, caregivers are also allowed to have bad moments.
Set up boundaries. Glidden offers the example of a caregiver whose parent is sick and has a spouse and three kids. She suggests they tell them: “‘I can help you three days a week, but not all week.’ You are of no help if you burn out.”
Know this is a long journey. “Treatment is just one part. Another is recovery. This looks different for everybody.” Caregivers need to be there beyond the initial treatment; they’re not better instantly.
Let the patient be in charge of their own health care. Glidden personally advises as a general rule, “Don’t Google; ask your medical team instead. Every medical diagnosis is unique.” The best thing a caregiver can do, Glidden says, is be their advocate. Maybe you’ve found your loved one a great treatment in California, but he does not want to go. “You don’t want to go above the patient’s head as a caregiver. You don’t know what the patient and doctor are discussing; you don’t always know what the patient’s goals are. Let the patient be in control of their own choices.”
3 Tips for Helping a Friend with Cancer
- Don’t pretend it’s not there. It’s OK to not have the perfect thing to say. Let them know you’re there for whatever they may need.
- Give them time and space. “It might take a couple weeks to process,” says ACS’s Glidden.
- Help maintain normal. This is a good role for a friend, advises Glidden. “They might have a loved one taking on caregiving. You don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen, that’s stressful. They just might not need it. Most patients are still going to work, have good days. So keep doing and talking about normal things, like inviting them to a new movie.” Glidden says her best friend had cancer, and she had a family. So the two shared their regular conversations. Her friend had said, “I don’t want my whole life about cancer.”